I thought I would share a note Allie wrote to our counselors today. I still have the password to her email and saw this in there. She’s changed all of her other logins so that I can’t see those.
I will breakdown her email as I go below. See what you think.
I know this relationship is not healthy. I’m still grieving the loss of what it could’ve been and what it was. I’m so upset because before he found out about Derek he wanted to stay married to me and really work on the marriage. If I had been able to keep the idea of Derek from him even for five years and then confessed to him later, maybe we would’ve had a thriving marriage.
Okay, let’s stop there for a second. She is so upset that I had hope before I found out about the third affair (chronologically second affair). She says that if she had been able to keep the idea of Derek secret for five years, then she could just tell me after we’re strong again. Basically, trick me, lie to me and betray me some more so that she can confess it later. Are you guys reading this the same way I am?
Or if I had told him at the beginning of counseling which would’ve been even better, I think that we would still be married today.
How about NOT HAVING FUCKING AFFAIRS IN THE FIRST PLACE? Then, we’d still be married today.
I’m grieving because he now says he has no choice. I’m grieving because he feels like he doesn’t have any options. I grieve the fact that he doesn’t want to work on us. I grieve the fact that he doesn’t want to work on him. I grieve the fact he doesn’t care about how much growth I have made. I’m heartbroken that he doesn’t see my heart.
The old adage is true here. Actions speak louder than words. Her actions of betrayal, lying, cheating and intercourse outside of marriage shows me her hear at that time. No amount of “working on me” is gonna change that.
I’m heartbroken over what we’re losing. Will you please just speak to that somehow? When I try to talk to him we just fight now. He tells me he doesn’t have a choice and takes it back to the stuff I did.
“Takes it back to the ‘stuff I did” The “stuff” you did was flirt, lie, betray, have sex, tell someone you love them, cheat, etc. That “stuff” is 100% what my decision to divorce is based off of.
I don’t think he will ever see it any other way. But I do pray that he will.
Nope. I won’t.
I grieve that he will be all alone and that our dreams have been shattered.
I won’t be alone. I have friends. I will have women in my life. Maybe not right away, but I will. If I want devotion, I will get a dog. Our dreams were shattered by her choosing to have affairs.
I really do believe that we could pursue our dreams together if he was willing to forgive and see the growth and make his own growth.
So, let me get this strait. She breaks every vow, every covenant, every commitment, every ounce of respect or honesty and I have to be willing to forgive?
Am I asking too much?
Yes.
Does that sound like entitlement?
If you have to ask…..