Cheating – I was cheated on – How do I survive?

D-Day — Discovering the affair

Tuesday March 20th, 2018

4:45am – Allie’s alarm goes off. It’s early. Allie wants to wake up and get her workout in before she heads off to work. It is kind of strange because she worked out about three hours the day before (on the 19th) But I know she loves Crossfit and loves to exercise.
5:45 am – Allie spent a good bit of time getting ready for her workout class. I didn’t look at the exact time she got out of bed after her alarm, but she probably spent 40 minutes getting ready. What ever happened to throwing your hair in a pony tail and hitting the gym?
6:15 am – Class was to begin. Little did I know that there isn’t a Crossfit class at 6:15 on Tuesday. It is a TRX class. Allie doesn’t do TRX. But I was still pretty clueless at this point.
6:45 am – I am out of bed and decide to head over to the YMCA where Allie is working out. Something seems “off” this morning. The YMCA is a 3 minute drive from our house. We live .7 miles from it.
6:50 am – Class is going in the Crossfit / TRX room. I park the car and look into the classroom. Because it is dark outside and light inside, I can see each person in there. No Allie. Where is she? Maybe she’s in the bathroom.
7:00 am – I wait 10 minutes to see if she comes back to the class. She doesn’t. I wait another five minutes. Class is supposed to end at 7:15.
7:05 am – After 15 minutes of watching their class I figure she’s not there. So, I drive around the entire YMCA parking lot looking for her car. It’s not there. I decide to drive the lot three times to make sure I am don’t miss it. It’s not there.
7:15 am – Head back to my house. I know she isn’t at the YMCA where she said she was going. I have to get my kids off to school so I need to get back.
7:20 am – I know I am gonna have to confront her. So, I get the kids ready and start loading their books in my car.
7:40 am – Allie is driving up. I see her car coming down our street. Remember, by this time she’s been gone for about two full hours. (for an hour long class that is three minutes from our house)
7:45 am – I ask her where she was? She replies, “I was at the YMCA.” But she has this look on her face that I just know. Wide eyed. I could tell she wasn’t telling the truth and of course I had been there and she wasn’t. I said, “no, you weren’t. I went to the YMCA and you weren’t there. Where were you?”
7:46 am – Allie says, “I have been having an affair with someone. I was with him.”
7:46 am – My heart smashed completely into 1,000 different pieces. I run the boys to school.
8:00 am – I return to find Allie sitting on the couch looking so smug. She’d just communicated with Mark, her affair partner. But she hasn’t told me who or what.
8:05 am – Heated discussion. I tell her to pack her things. She says that “I didn’t sleep with him.” (wasn’t true)
9:00 am – By this time, the truth was out. I knew who it was. She told me. I knew some of the extent of their sexual interactions. I knew they’d had sex multiple times.
9:30 am – I communicate with Mark via text. Since I know him personally I figure I should offer to tell his wife for him. You can read all of our texts from that morning here.
10:00 am – Went to visit Carrie, Mark’s then wife. Told her about the affair her husband was having with my wife. She was understandably devastated. Shaken to the core.

Dear Mark

Dear Mark,

It is Sunday, March 25th. Exactly 5 days after I found out about the two of you cheating. Last Sunday at this time, everything was going okay in my family. We were probably grabbing some leftovers, maybe watching a movie that evening, and making some popcorn. I am so used to being with my boys and they’ve never seen me go to a job in their lives. I work from home to be with them. I love my wife; contrary to your belief.

I don’t know what drives a person – two people – in this case, to put a few moments of sex above all else. Sex is so short compared to the rest of our existence here on earth. Meaningless really. While I don’t know exactly how many times you two had sex, I have heard that it was three or four. Let’s take four as an example.

If it was four, then we’re looking at 1-2 hours tops of time actually having sex. So for 1-2 hours of building up your fragile egos, you two destroyed 38 years of marriage. Twenty for you and 18 for us. I can imagine that Carrie is shattered. Even if she puts on a happy face, she is devastated inside. How could she not be? She committed her life, her body, her everything to you and you decided to bed another man’s wife.

I was with Allie right out of grad school. She is a kind and loving person. She has a winning personality. But more than that, we’ve been through 18 years of really great and really challenging times. I have been there for my three sons’ births which happened in three different countries. I nearly delivered my three-year old as he exited Allie’s body — the one you so happily got yourself off with.

Maybe you don’t realize that there are 9 other people involved directly in this. My three kids. Your four kids. Your wife. Me. Nine lives that you gave no consideration to as you wooed her into the back seat of her car, called her, texted her, flirted with her and screwed her.

You have no investment in my family. I have everything invested in them. You have no love for any of them. I would die for each and every one of them, including Allie. I did die. I died Tuesday morning. After finding out that she’d been having sex with another man.

Since this is the second time it’s happened, I was a bit more emotionally prepared for it. I have only spent hours balled up on the floor crying. I am sobbing at the loss that you two have perpetuated on my family. I cry for all of the investment we’ve made in building our lives that was stolen from me for a couple of hours of you two getting your thrills.

It isn’t the sex for me. I have had lots of sex in my life prior to my wife. But when I met her almost 20 years ago, everything changed. I fell in love with her from the first moment I saw her and I have loved her ever since. I won’t ever stop loving her.

Your two daughters could very well have daddy issues from this. Your two sons could have latent intimacy issues that only show up later in life when they’re in a romantic relationship.

Real men don’t throw away families in the blink of an eye. The adult thing to have done would have been to go to your wife and ask for a divorce PRIOR to sneaking around. But you have no honor. The brave thing to do would have been to communicate with your bride about the temptations you were having. But you’re a coward. The man-like thing to do would have been to treat my bride, my wife with respect and honor. Instead you snuck around like a rat in a sewer. The husband thing to do would be to honor your commitment to your wife Carrie. I have only met her once, but she seems like a beautiful woman inside and out. I hated being the one that had to break the news that her husband was a cheating coward. But I knew from your texts to me that you would chicken out on that.

I hope you got the worth you were looking for. I hope that you get more than just bragging rights that you were able to convince my wife to sleep with you. Great job. Was it worth utterly destroying your wife’s confidence? Was it worth harming your kids’ future & their emotions? Was it worth your future reputation? Seriously? Two hours of excitement and validation? You’d have been better off hiring a prostitute. It would have cost a lot less.

Now, my life is in shambles. I am completely broken inside. The woman I love has given herself over to the one thing that would tear down everything we’ve built. In an instant, it is gone. I will forever have to explain to my sons what happened. I will forever have to question her.

They say it takes two people to make a marriage work. In this case, two people, caused irreparable harm to nine others. It only took one out of each marriage to destroy what was built. I hope that makes you proud.

Does my spouse love their affair partner?

This question comes up quite a bit and with good reason. Especially if your wife was the one who cheated. Many women, like my wife, have to believe that they love someone to have sex with them. Even in a fantasy like an affair, they allow their heart to “love” so that they can justify their sex with the other person.

Further, women give sex to get that emotional, feel-good feeling that they’re looking for from an affair.

Today, my wife opened up to me about her affair partner even more.

I am very intuitive about my wife. We’ve been married for 18 years and no one knows her like I do. Since finding out about their affair, I have never heard her say a negative word about her Affair Partner (AP) named Mark.

I mean nothing. Now that we are over a month from “D-Day” I am starting to get more details. Her sorrow and shame is starting to grow as the reality of what she actually did is settling in. So during those moments, I am hearing more and more about her affair, her feelings and her attraction to this other man.

You see, before this affair, I was my wife’s one and only sex partner. She was a virgin when we got married. So, I know that this has to be deeply affecting her. Perhaps with other women, it isn’t such a big deal, but I know it is for her.

I asked her today if she was still grieving the relationship with Mark. Her answer, without hesitation, was “yes.” I will tell you below whether that bothers me or not. I also asked her if she wasn’t with me, would she want to be with him? She said that she would. She said it would be most convenient to be with him. Keep in mind, he’s married with four children.

I say this to tell you that the deep fantasy in her mind may last much, much longer and I have to be prepared for that. In her mind, it would still be okay to be with this man — even though he has a family and a wife. She told me that she really had feelings for him.

Does this bother me? Right now, not really. I guess that when you’ve been through the most devastating news of your life, it is very difficult to be bothered by what was already true during the affair. Here are some simple truths behind women cheating on their husbands. Accept them because you really can’t change them or do anything about them.

She was attracted to him
She thought about sex with him LONG before having sex with him.
It didn’t just happen accidentally
She has “real” feelings for him which will last long after the affair. Heck, they may never go away.
She will always remember — most likely fondly — how he treated her and the time they shared together.
She already pictured a future with him even though it would mean giving you up.
She probably told him that she loves him.
She won’t feel sorrow for it all at once. This will come in increments over time.

What can you hold onto during this tumultuous time?

I hold onto this fact. I KNOW who I am. I know that my decisions are based on values that I hold sacred. While the entire world goes crazy, doesn’t remain faithful, does stupid stuff, I will hold onto my integrity, my honesty and my ethics. I will NOT lose those, no matter what other people do — including my own wife.

Knowing WHO YOU are is so vitally important. I actually had a revelation the other day and had the happiest day since March 20, 2018. That revelation is that what she does or did wasn’t my choice, and I didn’t have any say in it. Thus, I will not and won’t feel any shame for her actions and behaviors. Those are hers and hers alone.

As her husband and best friend, I will be here for her. I will love her. And I forgive her. I may never trust her again and our marriage may or may not be reconciled. But I will offer those three things to her to help her heal from this. After 18 years of marriage and three children, she deserves that. Even though I didn’t deserve what she did to me.

Hold tight to your morals

Your morals, your character and your values are what you have. Those are things that you have direct control over. You do NOT have direct control over other people and their behaviors. So, in this time, hang on to what YOU have rather than worrying about what others have or don’t have.

Read this quote from Billy Graham. Leave the questions of your spouse to them for now until they’re ready to open up to you. Once they’re ready, they will talk. Let them. Don’t take it personally. Don’t get upset. Don’t get angry. Forgive them. Not for them, but for you. Bitterness will kill you.

The greatest legacy one can pass on to one’s children and grandchildren is not money or other material things accumulated in one’s life, but rather a legacy of character and faith.

~ Billy Graham

Is it a mental disorder?

I wrote yesterday about whether or not my spouse is “in love” with her affair partner. In that post, I talked a bit about the fantasy world that people live in while they’re involved — and after — affairs.

We are one month and six days after what is called d-day. D-Day is the day when the affair is discovered. So, in 36 days, where is my wife? We are still together and seeing counselors. We don’t exactly know what the future holds, but we are still in the same house and largely living the same life.

Is there a mental disorder?

I am not sure. But there are certainly some very pervasive mental fantasies that thoroughly screw with the mind. I asked my wife yesterday if we were to get separated or divorced, would she want to be with Mark (the AP)? She didn’t hesitate and answered “yes.”

Now, you have to understand, Mark is married. Mark has four children from 10 to about 17 years old. Mark used her for sex and literally was at it again, flirting with another woman at our gym just four days after they were caught. He totally ignored my wife, not even noticing her. Mark could care less.

When I asked why, she said she had feelings for him and it would be most convenient to be with him. (Still would be adultery mind you because they wouldn’t be married)

Later, while explaining it, she said “But Mark is someone else’s husband, so I couldn’t be with him. He belongs to her.” Is that the ONLY reason? How about me, your husband of 18 years. The one who has poured out his ENTIRE life for you? How about our three sons who look at their mother as a representation of how women love and stand by their men? How about our three year old who wouldn’t know what the eff was happening if he were to have to visit with another adult man two weeks out of every month? What about NOT BEING THE OTHER WOMAN to a family who probably needs their father?

Just because he belongs to her?

This is why I believe there is a bit of derangement when women have affairs. Women seek so much emotional connection that if you’re a decent looking guy, you can give them that “listening ear” and they’ll give you sex. Doesn’t matter to them about anything else.

Now, keep in mind, this doesn’t really bug me much. I realize that sin has HUGE consequences and for now, I have my wife here. She lives in my home. She cares for my kids. She even tells me how much she is falling in love with me again. So, if you’re in this situation, you don’t need to take it too personally.

Sure, she may leave later. But she already left before. Sure we may get divorced later, but she’d already divorced me in her heart in February and March of this year. Since the most devastating news of my life, it really can’t get much worse.

How to deal with my spouse causing another couple’s divorce

If you’ve read this blog, you know that on March 20th, 2018 I caught my wife in her second affair. edit: (Actually I found out about a third affair after writing this.)

Aside: If you’re cheating on your spouse right now or thinking of cheating on your spouse, HEAR ME NOW: Cheating has life-long consequences. The choice you’re making that may last a few weeks or months will destroy lives. Your family, your children and the families and children of generations to come. The damage you do to your kids and the kids of the other family WILL be felt throughout the community at large. THIS IS NOT JUST ABOUT YOU. IT IS FUCKING SELFISH AND SELF-CENTERED TO THINK THAT IT IS ANY DIFFERENT.

That being said, let me tell you where we are in our story. My wife Allie had a two month long affair with a married man. He has four children and he and his wife would have been celebrating 20 years of marriage in August of this year. He is one year older than Allie at 43. Allie and I “celebrated” our 18th anniversary in March. Fortunately for me, she and Mark had “broken up” so that she could go on a trip with me to Park City UT. They got back together as soon as she returned to Idaho, but at least they weren’t together while we were on our anniversary. Note the sarcasm.

When I found out about the affair on the 20th – just 16 days after our anniversary – I asked Mark if I should tell his wife. As a matter of fact, I have screenshots of the text exchange.

My texts are in Green. Remember, I know Mark so the affair texts start at “Should I tell your wife or should you?”

Fast forward to today.

I found out that on May 1st, Carrie filed for divorce from Mark. Now, I know what some of you might be thinking. “Good. He deserves it. Effing Bastard.” Wait, that’s what I was thinking. LOL. Really though, this divorce filing has hit me pretty hard the last couple of days. Why? Well because everything I say about him is true of my own wife. If I say, “cheater deserves what he gets” then that is also true of Allie isn’t it? If someone says, “the affair was just the culmination of other, more serious issues in the relationship” then doesn’t our relationship have those issues too?

You see on March 19th, I thought we were doing pretty well. This affair surprised me.

It also bothers me that they’re getting divorced because frankly I am a bit jealous. Since d-day, I have asked Allie no less than five times to divorce. She has refused. Instead, she says she is remorseful and keeps thinking that our marriage will last.

Here’s a meme:

You see, no amount of sorry can make the plate the way it was before. Just won’t happen. The plate can be repaired but it will be easy to see the brokenness and it may not function as a plate any longer. Even if it does serve as a plate, it may not be one you’d be proud to use at Christmas dinner. Most likely, you would throw the plate away after destroying it. This is what happens with affairs! People throw away years and years of history. They purposely destroy the lives of others for their own selfish gain.

The last reason that I am bothered by the divorce of Carrie and Mark is that my wife played a HUGE role in the breakup. She is the homewrecker “other woman.” Allie said to me today that she’s dealing with a lot of sadness for breaking up a family. (Mark’s) But what about our family? Yes, I am married to the “other woman” who, to this day, will ask me for compassion on her situation. Her situation? What was it exactly? She has the most devoted husband on the planet, three beautiful children, a great life, a great career, and pretty much everything she ever wanted. What is “her situation?”

If you’re reading this and have gotten this far you might be wondering, “why the eff are you still with her?” Great question. Today, I would leave. Tonight I might stay. It’s as simple as this. Emotions in this suck worse than anything imaginable. They are a flip-flop roller coaster with no end in sight.

You know what sucks about affairs? Everything!

Affairs suck. The betrayal is something that I may never recover from. I even look at my wife differently than before. Before, I was so proud to have her bouncing around everywhere. (she’s very energetic). I was so eager to see her each day and I had an unbreakable confidence. I proudly introduced her to friends, loved having her sing Karaoke with me even though she has a terrible singing voice and I gladly spent time with her anywhere and anytime.

Today, after her two-month long affair with a guy from the gym named Mark, I do not see her the same as before. I don’t. I am slightly embarrassed at introducing her because when I introduce her to someone it’s like they know….even if they don’t. When I introduce her to a male, I am wondering if she’s wanting to sleep with him too?

Everything about this sucks. Everything.

If you’re the betrayed spouse in an affair, I feel your pain. I feel it completely. The amount of daily mental attacks is overwhelming. For the last three days I have not been able to shake the negative feelings. They started when I found out that her affair partner and his wife are getting divorced. The weight of the reality of this has hit me like a second tidal wave. Only now, I am more removed from it emotionally. Since I found out nearly six weeks ago I first went into EMS mode. Basically, get in the ambulance and rush you to the hospital because your marriage just had a massive stroke.

Now, six weeks past the “stroke” I am learning how to walk again, learning how to talk again and it feels like half of my body doesn’t work correctly. Christian friends look at us and go, “Wow you guys are so inspirational!” You’re working on your marriage. You’re sticking it out!

Inside though, I am dying. I am dying because I can’t get past this negative perspective. Everything has changed. I am a different person and so is she.

But when the immorality or bad fucking choice or stupid decision is so deeply wounding it seems nearly impossible to get past. According to the Bible (which I don’t believe) I am supposed to love my wife unconditionally.

But reconciling a marriage is a MUCH deeper and tougher problem. For me, trust is everything. It was important before, but now it has become even more important. And, I have way less trust than ever. So, it’s a double edged sword. I need even more trust than we had (which from me was complete, full, 100%) but I have lost every ounce of trust I had.

Some friends advise me to leave. They ask me when I will finally get out and protect myself. The short answer is that I don’t know. There is that part of me that simply can’t imagine giving up on 18 years of history with the love of my life. That part that says everyone deserves a second chance. For Allie, however, she had her second chance. She had an affair in 2012 and that was supposedly the only time. I remember her begging me to stay married, making additional promises that she would NEVER do it again. She said that if she was ever even tempted she would come to me first and ask for a divorce. Well, fast-forward six years and she did it again (and again). She didn’t come to me and tell me. She just did it.

UPDATE: My friends were right. They said that they wouldn’t be surprised if I found out about another affair. Well, on Labor Day (2018) she confessed yet another affair. This one was with her boss who she still works with. She says it was “several months” and that she ended it but “can’t remember” when. My guess is that she ended it when she started seeing Mark in her third affair. I can’t keep up anymore!

Once a cheater, always a cheater. Scientifically and statistically there is literally NO WAY for her to change this behavior. A cheater has a 99% chance of repeating the behavior in the future. Translated: it will take an effing miracle to not do it again.

Concluding these posts is hard. In good writing, you would want to come to some meaningful conclusion. That is impossible.

Stop Blaming Yourself

Usually, the one leaving the relationship has spent months, and sometimes years, creating a distorted story in their heads to somehow justify their wrongful behavior to themselves. (From this article)

If you’ve been cheated on, of if you’ve just gone through discovery, then you’re probably experiencing some of the following.

Low self-esteem/ self-worth
Decreased value in yourself
Blaming yourself (because often, your cheating spouse is blaming you and you believe it.)
Questioning everything
Wondering if you’re even attractive
Believing the worst about your future
Believing horrible things about yourself

It takes several weeks, if processed correctly, to stop blaming yourself for your spouse’s affair. Discovery for me was on March 20th, 2018, just about six weeks ago. My wife had a two-month long affair which was both emotional and physical. Yes, she had sex with another man. Before this affair, I was the only man she’d ever had sex with (supposedly). So, this one hurts. Also, this was her second affair in six years. In the first one, she says she didn’t have sex, but got close.

UPDATE: MY WIFE HAD YET ANOTHER AFFAIR LAST YEAR!

Now that it’s been six weeks, I am getting past the idea that I am to blame for this. In the quote above, you can see that my wife created a narrative that she started believing about me. She even said it a few nights ago. She said, “I have to trust you rather than what I believed about you.”

When a wife has an affair of this type, she has to create a story of how bad it is in her current marriage so that she can beautifully justify her involvement in an affair. For her, she truly believes that her husband is that bad and that she deserves to have someone care for her in ways that her husband doesn’t.

So whether its verbally to their spouse or just in their heads, the unfaithful person usually struggles with negative self-talk, both negative thoughts about their spouse (mostly untrue), but also both negative thoughts about themselves (Source)

Note: “Mostly untrue” above. Do you see that? The negative self-talk that an unfaithful spouse engages in is not true. So, if they’re blaming you, it is incorrect. It is not true. There may be some elements of truth. There may be arguments you two engaged in that helps her justify cheating. In my story, it goes like this: “Remember when we got in that argument and I told you we needed counseling. You refused to go and now look where we are.” Basically, she said, we argued, I said we needed counseling and YOU refused. Thus, it’s your fault I slept with someone else. Hmmmmmmmmm? Sound unreasonable? It is!

I accept no blame for my husband’s affair. I do not feel I can be held responsible for something, when I did not have the opportunity to participate in the decision of whether or not it was going to happen. But I do accept blame for my part in our relationship breakdown. (source)

Even if your spouse is saying things like “I never saw it coming” and “I didn’t plan on having an affair” the real truth is that affairs are calculated, premeditated betrayals. Your spouse had 100’s of chances before and during the affair to stop the behavior. As a matter of fact, there were many times that your spouse thought how badly this would hurt you and DID IT ANYWAY. Don’t be fooled by sweet words. They did it on purpose. Why they did it is much more important than the fact that they did it.

And the “why” is what a therapist or counselor has to help them find. YOU CAN”T do it for them. If that “why” isn’t found, then they will cycle back and get into another affair. Just a matter of time.

Getting what he deserves?

My wife of 18 years decided to have an affair with a married man named Mark. After their two-month fling which resulted in them having sex (according to Allie) 4-5 times, Mark’s wife decided to divorce him. On May 1st, 2018, Carrie filed for a divorce just three months shy of their own 20th anniversary.

Mark and Carrie have four children together and I think three are minors. I believe that one is older than 18. Carrie hasn’t worked since they had their first child just about 19 years ago. So, she is 100% dependent on him making money. Idaho is can be an “at fault” state with regard to divorce. One of the grounds for divorce is adultery. From what I hear, judges in Idaho don’t look favorably on adulterers.

I don’t think Carrie will be happy with anything less than lifetime support, half of all marital assets (houses, business assets, personal property, etc.) plus support for the children. All in she’s probably looking at $4,000+ each and every month from Mark. Once the kids reach 18, child support probably ends, but the payments for college do not. At any rate, it’s gonna cost him for a long, long time.

I have to wonder: Was it worth it? I mean, I think my wife is gorgeous but no amount of sex is worth that much each month as a “payment.” Was it a big ego boost? What in the world would drive a person to risk their marriage, the mental health of their children, their finances, their reputation, and their future? Some sex? A couple of months of feeling good? It is crazy to me. I simply cannot fathom it.

Even if he was completely unhappy in his marriage to Carrie, wouldn’t it had been much better and more honorable to come to her and ask for a divorce citing his unhappiness? Believe me, I am asking the same questions about my own wife each and every day.

I would say it’s out of character. But is it? Maybe it’s in character and that is the precise issue. Perhaps that it is a deep addiction issue or a huge character flaw. Affairs aren’t normal. They aren’t. But there isn’t a simple solution.

Carrie found her solution. Divorce Mark. He deserves worse. But so does Allie.

Should I stay or Should I leave?

This is the battle: Should I stay with Allie or should I leave? As you know, Allie had an affair with a man named Mark starting in January 2018 and ending sometime around March 20, 2018 when I caught her. I didn’t catch her red handed. But right after being with him, I confronted her on a story she told me and she confessed.

Since that date, I have asked six to eight times for her to get a divorce. Her affair partner Mark is getting divorced because Mark’s wife Carrie filed this month. I don’t know the status of their proceeding except to say that all the normal stuff has been filed. We will see what happens once the judgment is entered.

So the question is to stay or go?

When Allie cheated on me the first time in 2012, I was very quick to forgive her, move through the pain and reestablish trust with her. After six years, I completely trusted her. We had a great year last year, going camping several times, taking some trips as a couple, moving into a new home and celebrating all that life offers. I look back at photos from 2017 and I simply don’t see the build up of pain that she describes.

However, Allie’s dad did some crazy shit over the past six years and she’s feeling a lot of rejection from him. But what the eff does that have to do with me? It doesn’t.

This affair took me by complete surprise. Other than a few clues she left here and there, for all intents and purposes, our marriage was going along quite nicely. We were about to celebrate 18 years, our kids were in a school they loved, and we’ve just moved into a home that we are very comfortable in. Everything was great. Literally. I can name some really wonderful stuff that was happening. Yet, Allie decided to have another affair.

She’s often said that it was a sweet time when I forgave her the first time. She loved how “into her” I was. Truth be told, I was always into her. But how do you reconcile an event like this?

Right now, Allie is remorseful. She often says how her mind is changing and how wrong she was. She have apologized many times in the last couple of weeks for what she did. She talks about how she was an idiot and that the weight of her sin is very heavy.

“When mistrust comes in, loves goes out.”

But she said that in 2012 as well. She used very similar words. She used similar actions. My problem is that she has a serious hold over me because of my love for her. I almost hate how she can get what she wants from me. I really wish I just didn’t care. I still want to protect her as much as I want to protect our kiddos.

I know if she and I get divorced, she’ll begin some crazy-destructive behaviors and I don’t want to put her or our sons through that. How do I know she’ll begin destructive behaviors? Because of the things she’s said throughout this time. She says she would want to be with Mark because she has feelings for him and it would be convenient. What? Doesn’t she realize the chances of a relationship born out of an affair has about a 0%? Of course she does.

Doesn’t she realize that he doesn’t want her? He got his ego boost and now is paying the price. Who in their right mind would want to go into a relationship with someone who cheated on their spouse to start it? That is the same question I ask myself. Who in their right mind would want to continue a relationship with a person who cheated on them multiple times?

The question of whether I will ever trust her again is probably pretty ridiculous. Of course I won’t. Fool me once…

Then, if I don’t trust her do we even have a relationship? Isn’t every relationship worth having built on the foundation of trust? Will I ever trust anyone again? Hmm?

So, I am weighing love vs. security. Balancing my mental battles with the good times. She still calls me “babe” and “honey” and “sweetie.” But those sound so empty. She still wants to plan future stuff, but I just can’t go there right now.

Divorce brings with it a shit load of pain. I know that. I would lose 50% of my time with my kids, lose my daily talks with Allie, it would be lonely as crap as I sleep in a bed alone for the first time in 18+ years. Making dinners during my “off weeks” would be super effing lonely. Maybe I am just scared of being alone?

I really don’t know. Struggling like crazy today.

Hanging on by a thread

The last day or two I have been hanging on by a thread. Since discovering Allie’s affair in March 2018, I have been on an emotional roller coaster. Anger, depression, heartbreak, isolation, embarrassment, rejection and insecurity are just a few of the emotions I have experienced in the past 6-7 weeks.

Now that my emotions are beginning to normalize a bit, I have a lot of questions in my head about Allie. Questions about whether I want to stay with her or not. I am reading a book right now called “After the Affair“. Here is just one of the profound quotes from the book when a person discovers their partner is having an affair.

“Your view of your life and the world you liven in may be ripped apart” & “the greatest threat to recovery is the loss of hope itself.”

The book is heavy, but eye-opening. It identifies feelings that people experience and describes how to recover. I am only in the first section which is written for those who have just discovered their partner’s affair. I very much identify with the people and examples the author cites.

Part of the trauma that you get to enjoy when your spouse has an affair is that several illusions are shattered. The illusion that you are special above all others is a big one. You know, the idea that because she married you, she would be faithful to you and not go out sleeping around.

Another illusion you might have had is that your marriage was extraordinary. No matter what you’ve made it through your wife sleeping with another man will end that idea pretty quickly.

Now, you’re dealing with the loss of those two ideas that you had. You’re not special and your marriage wasn’t valuable. Those two corpses will leave you reeling for a while.

Another illusion that is there is that the kids will somehow play a role in giving your wife a conscious when she strays. Nope. Even our youngest child who has Allie completely wrapped couldn’t stop her from the affair. She even had sex with Mark on our youngest’s third birthday just before having him dedicated at church. I venture to say, she’d have moved his car seat out of the way to lay down in the back seat with Mark.

As your illusions get shattered, your confidence in those illusions and beliefs get destroyed. All that you fought for in the past changed in an instant. None of it really matters any longer.

Here are some things that I believed:

18 years of history meant something.
Our three kids and their future emotions are vitally important
I am special among all men
We have an extraordinary marriage
She loves me and would fight tooth and nail for us
She loves herself and wouldn’t not cheapen herself
She wouldn’t risk getting an STD (we get to enjoy one of those now too. More on that later)
She is an upstanding Christian woman. She doesn’t have the capacity to go from texting to sex in just a few weeks.
She respects me
She honors me
She honors our marriage
She has the maturity to come to me FIRST before having an affair.
She is an honest person
She knows how bad it hurt me the first time she cheated. She wouldn’t go that far again.

You see, all those things that I believed are shit.