Category: Cheating

I don’t want to be a cheater

Yesterday I was having huge mental struggles with the idea of staying married to Allie. But I didn’t take it out on her and I am long past the argument stage. It simply isn’t worth my energy to fight with her. Instead, I will struggle and I might say something like, “today’s a hard day.”

At any rate, Allie wrote a note to our counselors, in part she said the following about me:

“Bob is still having a hard time today trusting that I won’t cheat on him in the future. I can tell you that I don’t want to cheat and I won’t cheat because I don’t want to be a cheater.”

Can anyone tell why the above statement bothers me so badly? Can you spot the fatal flaw in her thinking? Who can tell me exactly why I keep saying that I won’t know if I will stay with her?

Allie says, “I won’t cheat because I don’t want to be a cheater.” Do you see the difference in that statement and a statement like, “I won’t cheat because I love my husband”? Or, “I won’t cheat because my family means more to me than life itself”? Do you see the difference?

What she wrote to them PERFECTLY sums up why I feel that Allie is staying with me because of Allie, not because of me and not because of the kids. If given time to think, she will write that she loves family, wants to leave a legacy, and loves me, BUT when she’s in a hurry, the truth comes out. She wrote to them in a hurry.

Basically, she wants the counselors to give her a clean bill of heath. “Congratulations! You’re not a cheater any more!” She would love to hear them say that. That would be an accomplishment. Allie loves accomplishments. Do you notice that it is about her though?

She could then wear it like a badge of honor. The “I am not a cheater” badge is given to those who complete the special 6-week training course. In the course, you’ll learn:

  • How to not be a cheater
  • Ways to convince your family and friends that you’re not a cheater
  • Five easy one-liners to shut down those who would mention the infidelity (including your husband)
  • The “get over it” pin that you can proudly wear
  • Added bonus: You get the quick “I am not a cheater” reference guide with helpful chants you can repeat in your head.

You see Allie believes that her being a cheater can be erased rather than faced. Can you imagine if AA told their participants “Congratulations! You’re not an alcoholic now”?

Actually the opposite is true. When people go to AA meetings, they will start by saying “Hi, my name is _____________, and I am an alcoholic.”

I know a man who has been going to AA for nearly 40 years! To this day, he will say “I am an alcoholic” though he hasn’t touched a drink in four decades. Why does he keep admitting that? Because he knows that the problem he has will always be there, ready to come back at any time.

Saying you’re not a cheater doesn’t mean that you’re not. It is a phrase that is meaningless UNLESS you’ve never cheated before. Chanting it over and over will only harm yourself in the future.  You’ll chant it right into the arms of another man.

What will keep you faithful? What will keep you from being a cheater Allie?

  • Loving someone so deeply that you simply could never do it
  • Open and honest communication about the real struggle you have
  • Telling your spouse EVERYTHING, not just the stuff you believe won’t hurt him
  • Being open with your temptations and having true accountability

You see, it is not that you have to publicly wear the “I am a cheater” label. But you have to know that it is always there. You have to be aware of it at all times so that you can guard your heart and mind from further temptations and indiscretions. If you finally come to a place where you can say “I am not a cheater” then that is the perfect time for your pride to launch another attack.  Your pride will make you fall…again.

Saying that “I don’t want to be a cheater” is NOT powerful. Wants are weak. As soon as something comes along that you want more then you will give up that want. It is natural. If you want a taco for dinner and someone offers you a burrito, you may find yourself wanting the burrito more. Thus, the want for a taco becomes unimportant and irrelevant in light of the burrito.

To put it another way, think of all the people who “don’t want to be in debt.” Those very same people will still have a credit card in their wallet, and they’ll buy a car and get a car payment. What about not wanting to be in debt? They will justify the card being in their wallet because of emergencies. They will tell you how their old car had so many issues that they had to get this new one. They will be stuck in debt forever because the “want” simply isn’t powerful enough to overcome the other “wants”.

Missing Family Events

Review:

  • Allie – My wife.  Had an affair with Mark
  • Mark – Was married to Carrie at the time of the affair with Allie
  • Carrie – Mark’s betrayed wife
  • Bob – Me. Betrayed by Allie.

In May of 2018, Carrie filed for divorce from Mark after she learned of the affair he had with my wife Allie.

One of the costs of having an affair is divorce. Divorce means that not only will you be split from your spouse (which some people may welcome) but it also means that you’ll probably be isolated from holidays, family events and social functions.

Here are some of their family events that Mark has missed out on because he chose to have sex with someone who he wasn’t married to. This is just since March 2018. It is costing him lots of money too.

  • His son Drake turned 18 – in May
  • His son Drake graduated high school in June
  • His daughter Kallie turned 14
  • Mark’s own birthday was in April

You might ask how I know these things. Well, I am friends with his wife on Facebook and I was friends with him too. He blocked me and Allie the day I discovered the affair.

I honestly don’t get it. Allie says to me last night to have some empathy for her. I honestly have tried. I have made lots of mental attempts to put myself in her shoes, trying to feel how she felt. Trying to figure out a way to justify cheating on my spouse. I simply can’t.

I can’t get there because it costs way too much. It costs everything and the betrayal is so deep and so pervasive that I simply cannot get to a point of justification. I can get to a place of wanting divorce. I am there now. I have wanted a divorce many times since discovering the affair a couple of months ago.  While I never wanted one before, I now can totally empathize with those who do want to get divorced. But cheating? Nope. Can’t get there. I just don’t think that there is one good reason. Any reason given should be getting a divorce instead.

Why end a marriage in disgrace? Why invest that much of your life only to leave a legacy of pain, destruction, betrayal and dishonesty? When you leave honorably, it costs you way less. Sure, it hurts. But it is a lot better than having an affair.

It took some level of maturity to get married. You’d think that 18 years after our wedding day, that person would have more maturity. That maturity could lead her to say, “I want a divorce” prior to having an affair.

If you’re honest, kind, honorable, truthful and sincere, then a marriage can be ended peacefully and with grace. You just have to have the balls to do it that way. If you end your marriage with honor and peace that WILL come back to you. I believe in Karma. In the Bible version, Karma is reaping and sowing. You reap what you sow. If you sow destruction, lies and affairs, you WILL reap those same things in the future.

We see it all the time. When a couple who gets together during an affair gets married, they have a nearly 100% fail rate. 100%!!!!!!!

Thus, if you start your “relationship” by having an extramarital affair, then it is likely your relationship will end the same.

 

Divorce for Mark and Carrie

Looks like it is official. There is an order in Mark and Carrie’s divorce case. I figured it would not take long since a stipulation was filed nearly a month ago. Basically, Mark realized he was screwed since he’d committed adultery. In Idaho, judges frown on infidelity and he wouldn’t win anything by battling it in court. He never even hired an attorney. Effing coward.

Instead, he curled up like a caged effing rat. Some would say he was brave to take his punishment. I say he was a complete idiot for screwing around on his wife of 20 years. And with a married woman. Karma is a bitch. Mark is gonna forever get to miss family events and it’s gonna cost him a shit-load of money. Maybe if there’s someone out here reading this blog who’s thinking of cheating, you’ll think twice. Or three times.

Mark gets to miss his kids growing up (at the very least 50% of the time)  My guess is that Carrie was so pissed that he may not have gotten that much custody. I don’t know for sure and may never know. Just a hunch.

I do know that the Idaho Child Support Calculator says he’ll be paying about $2,100 in child support. He will also be paying maintenance to Carrie because she literally makes $0 and has relied on his income for 20 years. How much in maintenance? Don’t know that either.  But it will be significant. Perhaps $2,000 per month? Perhaps $4,000? I do know that there is an unwritten rule where judges will award the non-cheating spouse up to 60% of the cheater’s income. Basically, if Mark’s business earns $150,000 annually, then $90,000 would go to Carrie and the other $60,000 to Mark. Mark was shacking up with his daddy last I heard, so his expenses are probably pretty low.

Must be a bit embarrassing to be a 45 year old man having to move back in with the parents.

They own their house outright. Yep. A $450,000 home fully paid for. My guess is the Carrie isn’t moving from her home. That would be expressly unfair. So, she probably gets the home. Now, she may have to buy 1/2 from him, or maybe not. I don’t know. Either way, that costs him a minimum of $225,000. Even if she had to buy 1/2 from him, she would buy it with HIS MONEY!!!!! LOL!  Because he has to pay her each and every month. He would effectively be buying his half of the home from HIMSELF!  What a fucking dumb-ass!  All for a piece of ass?

I am really glad that his wife took it to him by divorcing him. Sometimes people who think that highly of themselves need to be knocked off their high horse. That’ll teach you to mess with someone’s wife you piece of dog shit! Mark the narcissist, who thinks he so effing cool, gets what he deserves.

There simply is no way that it is worth it to screw around on your spouse. I don’t care what kind of excuses anyone gives me, it isn’t worth it. Divorce first. Once you’re divorced, then have at it. No one can convince me otherwise. There simply is NO EXCUSE for what he and my wife did.

Well, what about Allie you ask? I am divorcing her. Just not yet. I am waiting for her to agree to an attorney free divorce with a minimum of 50/50 custody and NO alimony or child support.

 

 

 

The woman who ruined my marriage

I wrote on this before. My wife Allie had an affair with Mark. Mark was married to Carrie for nearly 20 years before they got divorced just this month. Carrie seems to be a very sweet person. I met her in person once on March 20th, 2018. That’s the day I told her about her husband and my wife having an affair.

This past weekend (June 4th, 2018) Carrie unfriended me on Facebook. I don’t ever care about stuff like that, but I knew it is because I am currently married to Allie. I imagined that when she opened FB and saw anything from my news feed, it reminded her of Allie. My guess was that Carrie simply couldn’t take it.

Then, I got a note from Carrie: (removed the real names for privacy)

So, I was correct. Carrie just doesn’t want to see anything that reminds her of Allie who she calls “the woman who ruined my marriage.”

I can’t say that I disagree with Carrie’s sentiment even though I am still married to Allie. A while back, when I found out they were getting divorced, I wrote about what it means to be married to “the other woman.”  Not my “other woman” but “the other woman” to another marriage. (for the record, I don’t have another woman)

It really does bother me that my wife did what she did. I held Allie in such high regard. She’s a Christian, a mom of three sons, and until this affair, had only had sex with one man…….me. What would cause a woman who literally had it all to just say “screw it all, I am doing this”? Even if Allie were single, why would she go after another woman’s wife? There is no future there AND it destroys a family.

Now look, I know that Mike is as much or more at fault than Allie is. Mark ruined their marriage with Allie’s help. But my wife isn’t like that. Or at least I thought……..

When this happens, you pause and say, “who is this person I am married to?”  You know how when someone commits a horrific crime and the news interviews the neighbors? The neighbors are like, “she was a nice person. I would have never imagined them doing something like this.”

That’s how this is. I am married to her. I know her. I know her character and every bit of her background. I married her when she was 24. A virgin strait “A” student. I was with her through grad school. I literally known her since she was about 21 and still so young. Everything we’ve been through would never suggest that she would help ruin another person’s family or marriage……except this is the 2nd time (edit: 3rd time. Yep, there was another one. Read on.) she’s had an affair. And both men were married.

So again, who am I married to?

 

Forsaking all others?

Do you promise to love her, comfort her, honor and keep her, in sickness and in health, and forsaking all others, keep thee only unto her so long as you both shall live?

If you’ve ever been to a wedding, seen a wedding in a movie or been married, you’ve heard some version of the above vows. Here’s another way it’s said:

 I promise to be faithful to you and honest with you; I will respect, help and care for you; I will share my life with you

For cheaters, perhaps vows should be written like this instead.

I will be faithful to you….

  • Unless my needs aren’t being met at home
  • Unless I feel dead in our marriage
  • Unless a hot guy comes along who pays me a lot of attention
  • Unless you gain weight
  • Unless you are disconnected from me
  • Unless you become depressed or sad because your mom and dad pass away
  • Unless I feel lonely
  • Unless I am having trouble communicating with you
  • Unless we have a big argument
  • Unless I get bored with our sex life
  • Unless I am not getting enough sex from you
  • Unless I don’t want to have sex anymore
  • Unless I am feeling down about myself and need someone else to affirm me
  • Unless someone else makes me feel beautiful
  • Unless I can come up with other reasons.
  • Unless I have daddy or mommy issues from when I was growing up
  • Unless I was molested by a 7th grader when I was in 7th grade
  • Unless my dad cheated on my mom and I don’t want to become like her….alone when I am older.

Other than those, I should have a pretty reasonable expectation to be faithful to you. So, you can be secure in that.

If it sounds a bit selfish, it is. Cheating is selfish. Cheating is so completely self-centered, dishonoring, disrespectful and disgusting that there really is no good reason. Perhaps you can relate with one of the “unlesses” above. If so, then go to your spouse and say these words:

“I love you. But I am not feeling beautiful around you. I am giving you six months to help me feel beautiful or I am going to ask for a divorce. Then I will go out and find someone who does make me feel beautiful. I won’t stay married just because it’s convenient because feeling beautiful is my number one priority.”  (Fill in whatever excuse you have in this phrase)

You see, you had whatever maturity it took to walk down the aisle and say those words. You started your marriage with honorable intentions. Now, end it the same way. With honor. With respect. With kindness.

I am not against divorce. There are plenty of reasons for that. If you truly aren’t getting your needs met AND your spouse refuses to do something AFTER you’ve presented that phrase above, then get divorced. And then, find someone who will meet your needs.

But, DIVORCE FIRST!  That is the honorable thing to do. Even if it is less comfortable, it is honorable. It is respectful. Give them a chance, then move on. But don’t cheat.

Along Came Molly

I met a woman. No, not like that. I am committed to being divorced PRIOR to being with another woman. Even though my wife had an affair with Mark. I have actually known this woman since about January and I always sensed something very special about her and her husband.

Her name is Molly and her husband’s name is Bryan. I have spoken with her over the last several months when we are both at martial arts classes with our kiddos. She seems to have an awareness that you don’t find in many women (or men for that matter)

Molly is 42 and only two months older than Allie. She’s attractive, but dresses like a bum. She has two children and her hubby is an FBI agent. Molly was texting me a question about real estate and we started chatting via text. The subject of how difficult marriage and kids can be came up and I told her that Allie and I were seeing counselors.

After a few minutes, I decided to take a risk and share the affair with her. Immediately, she started giving me insight that was completely amazing. As a mom and a woman who is exactly the same age and stage as Allie, she is “reading Allie’s mail.”  Without knowing much of our story, Molly started sharing about how Allie could have gotten to a place of having an affair.

She told me about how women who are in their 40’s are very insecure. They are aging and they don’t want to be left alone when their old. They are getting ready for menopause and that is weighing heavy on them. The see young girls with perfect bodies and legs and they compare themselves. Allie does all of those things. Though Allie is perfectly gorgeous, she compares herself. She participates in lots of negative self-talk. She expresses fears about being older and alone.

Molly has seriously talked me off the ledge a few times. She has given me a compassionate insight into Allie that I can’t easily explain. She tells me how the affair happened, she tells me how tempting is would be to have a guy go after you like that.

It has helped me be empathetic. Has it solved everything? Far from it. There is still huge pain. And the looming question of how a person makes a jump from temptation to an affair. That jump, I am told, is the core issue. It may be arrested development or it could be purposeful rebellion. I don’t think it is rebellion, although Allie mentioned that word today. She said that she felt like a teen who didn’t want to be controlled.

 

Your mind cannot comprehend it

Brains are amazing organs. The brain is constantly attempting to resolve things. Literally, your brain is processing thousands of things every second. From things you hear, things you see, things you touch or experience. Your brain processes and resolves millions of “items” every single day.

In affairs, there is no good answer. What answer would be “good enough” to satisfy your brain if you’ve been cheated on? I have explored these reasons before. And literally no one could ever give me a reason.

As a matter of fact, I reached out to one of our marriage counselors. I asked them about how you would ever know. Our counselors are a husband/wife team. They’ve been married for 30+ years. The husband of the team cheated on his wife for the first 10 years of their marriage. The wife (the one I texted today) said to me that you literally will never know. You will never comprehend the “why” behind a spouse cheating. I mean there’s the reasons like a one night stand, etc. I get it that shit happens. But even then, if you truly love someone you won’t do it. At least that’s what my brain tells me.

Her advice today was that I have to accept it and find healing in that acceptance. I have sadness, trauma, anger and betrayal to deal with. But she assures me that it’s worth the fight. Not worth the fight for me. I will divorce Allie once she agrees…

Allie’s first affair

As I was writing my last post a question came to mind, “who am I married to?” Carrie describes Allie as “the woman who ruined my marriage.”

It made me think of the first time Allie had an affair with a married man. His name was Shawn and Allie met him mountain biking in May of 2012.

Back up ONE MONTH from there. We’d just come back from a two-week family vacation in Costa Rica. Spent about $5,000 on that. From Costa Rica, we flew up to South Carolina to celebrate Allie’s Grandmother’s 90th birthday. While there, Allie’s dad was a complete ass-hat to us and we later found out that he was having an affair with a woman he is now married to.

Okay, fast forward. Allie met Shawn on a biking trail in Colorado. She was mountain biking a lot because her friend Gina was really into it. Their mountain biking outings were about 4-5 hours long and I would watch the kids for her so she could get out there and exercise. (this would come back to bite me)

Gina and Allie meet up with Shawn on a trail. He rides with them that day. Of course, Allie is quick to share her phone number with him so that she can invite him to ride again. That’s where it starts. He starts texting her and she “didn’t see it coming.”  Just like with Mark.

He gets so interested in her and they start having meet-ups.  They get physical and emotional, but supposedly didn’t have sex. I wasn’t there, so I can’t be 100% sure that’s true.

The affair ended because I caught her by finding some of the lovey dovey emails they were sending back and forth. Allie had used an old email account that she used to use so that I wouldn’t see the communications. But, like all cheaters, she eventually got caught.

What can stop a cheater?

It’s been a while since my last post. Lots has been going on, but I won’t get into detail about that right now.

I was thinking the other day about what might stop a person from cheating. I know for me, I have several core values that I run my decisions through. They are Character, Integrity, Commitment & Self-Respect. I simply cannot go there. Sure, I have been tempted. But I have always walked away. One time, I sped away in my car because the waitress who was flirting was so beautiful, I was very, very tempted.

Here are a list of reasons that should’ve stopped Allie from cheating with Mark.

  • Allie is married – This is an easy one. Any guy hits on you, tell them to fuck off. You’re married. Sure, it’s flattering because you’re human. But you committed to marriage to your husband, so do that. If you can’t, then get out of your marriage BEFORE starting a new relationship. Any real relationship worth having is also worth waiting for.
  • Mark is/was married – I wrote it like this because Mark’s wife divorced him in May of this year. When a married person starts hitting on you, no matter if you’re married or not, you shut that shit down!  Let them fuck up with someone else. This goes to integrity and character. Mark has four children who will be forever affected by their parents’ divorce. You tell them that as long as they are married, you will have NO PART in anything with them. And, if they persist, then call their spouse and let them know that their husband is hitting on you. You do this because as a member of society, it is part of the unspoken agreement. You just don’t screw with someone’s spouse. And ultimately their kids. You don’t want that kind of shit-Karma coming back on you.
  • Allie is a Christian – Hard to tell right? I know. I have wrestled with this a lot. How does a Christian, home-school mom abandon every ounce of integrity to sleep with a married man? Mental illness? Perhaps. I think that if you’re really a Christian, then you simply cannot do that. Sure, the common statement is that every sin is the same in God’s eyes. I am not so sure about that. Do a reference read on all of the adultery verses and you may see it like I see it. God divorced Israel a couple of times and gives only ONE reason for divorce in the Bible….adultery. So either she’s not a Christian, or she just said “fuck it” and walked from the Lord.
  • Allie has three adoring sons – We have three sons together. They are 13, 12, and 3 at the time of writing this post. Three sons!  How does a mom abandon her love for her OWN CHILDREN and commit the most destructive act possible in a marriage? Does she not think for at least a second?  The affair was planned. Pre-meditated. She knew EXACTLY what she was doing as she drove to the hotel room to meet up with Mark. How? I could never look my sons in the eyes again had I done that to their mom.  Character. Integrity.
  • She knew it would absolutely destroy me – Allie has had a couple of affairs now. (three actually) This isn’t her first rodeo. After her 2012 affair, I forgave her and she talked at length at how God had saved her, and how she’d never forget me giving her a second chance. Six years later, she forgot. Perhaps because we had another child in that time? She knew how emotionally destructive it would be to me, but did it anyway.
  • Affairs can cause divorce – Allie knows this. But did that stop her? Nope. Mark is already divorced now because it only takes about 21 days here in Idaho. Just that a divorce can happen should be enough to stop any rational person. People get divorced. I get that. But get divorced first!  Don’t have an affair first. It simply doesn’t make sense. Apparently Mark told her that he was a “big boy” and could handle whatever ramifications Carrie threw his way. Hmm.  It’s costing him a fortune.
  • It will harm children – Affairs harm children. Divorce harms children. Study after study shows that children are harmed by divorce, for years and years afterwards. Sometimes up to 30 years later!!  If that isn’t storing up super-bad Karma for yourself, I don’t know what is. Any one of the reasons I name are stoppers for me. But this one….this one is a big one for me. I can’t even think about Mark’s ex-wife and kids without choking up a bit. It sucks for them. What are his two sons and his two daughters gonna think about marriage and relationships?
  • Where is Allie’s self-respect? When Allie and I started dating in 1999, she was (supposedly) a virgin. Yep, 23 years old and had held onto her purity to save herself for marriage. I married her and was the first to sleep with her. (which may not be true as I think about it.)  Maybe she lied.  Who knows.  Let’s assume she was telling the truth. How can you have that much will power and self respect as a young woman and abandon it as a 42 year old home-school mom who’s been married for 18 years? I would hope that even if she were to find herself single, she would have the self-respect to not just sleep with someone. How did she lose all self-respect?
  • Allie abandoned her respect for me – My wife claims that I am her best friend.  With friends like that…..who needs enemies? Bottom line is she abandoned any respect she had for our almost 20-year long relationship. Not even the respect to come tell me that she wanted out of the marriage. Anything?
  • Her Reputation – Wasn’t her own reputation worth it? Among her family, she has lost a ton of respect. Her brother and sis-in-law are very, very cautious around her now. With this being the second time, many in her family and some of her friends are beginning to wonder what exactly is wrong.
  • Her last affair and me giving her a second chance didn’t stop her. Though there was begging, pleading and tons of promises the last time she had an affair, that didn’t stop her. She said it would though. She said that because I forgave her, it strengthened her relationship with Christ and made her trust me more. So much for that right?

Why write all of this? Because if none of these things can stop a person from having an affair, then it simply CANNOT be about the betrayed spouse. It isn’t about you. If your partner has or is having an affair, then they have deep issues. Those issues existed prior to you and will continue long past you. But, I get it. It is hard not to take it personally.

 

Pick a lane!

When your wife has had multiple affairs, but still wants to work it out and stay together, it is sort of like highway driving. You have to pick a lane!  Which way are you going honey? Are you on the highway with me in my lane or are you needing attention from other men?  You can’t have both.

So, I have been seeing a therapist, and we’ve been doing counseling. It’s all very expensive when someone decides to step out of a marriage like my wife Allie did. We will be in this for about $10k in therapists and counselors before it’s all over. Crazy right? I think so. Would have been much cheaper to get her thrills somewhere else or to exit the marriage respectfully and honorably BEFORE having an affair.

Okay, back on point. Yesterday I saw the therapist and we talked. And she asked me the hard questions. And asked if Allie and I have had some discussions. Here is a summary of questions and talks that the two of us need to explore.

  • How is is possible for Allie to be “all in” as she claims when we’re only four months removed from her being in an affair? An affair justified by her disdain for our marriage?
  • Does Allie know 100% that if it happens again, there will be no third chance?
  • Have we discussed the pattern and if Allie is really operating on the fantasy of narcissism? (this one is more complex so I will save it for another post)
  • Do I have any hidden agenda?  Basically, is there a thought in me that says “this may not work out.”  The answer of course is “yes” now that my wife has cheated again.