Category: Deception

I knew it – Yet another affair

Last Sunday I was acting as Allie’s realtor and showing her houses. I got a bit caught up in her manipulation and began to dream a bit with her about buying a house together. I know it’s stupid, but breaking free from Narcissistic abuse is tough. It felt like almost a relief to dream with her. Weird I know, but since finding out about her affair with Mark nearly six months ago, I have not been able to daydream or plan any sort of future. My mind just simply wouldn’t go there. So Sunday felt kind of nice. Almost serene.

The next morning, on Labor Day Monday, I opened her phone and saw a text she sent to her boss Derek. It was on August 20th while I was visiting a friend in New Jersey. The text was off-color. Not something that you would send to the guy you work for.  Not flirty, just outside of professional context.

Rewind to last year.  I noticed some texts to Derek last September-ish which were flirty and attention-seeking from Kelli to him. I questioned her about them and she got defensive, but a few hours later apologized saying that I was right and that she had been seeking attention from him.  She claimed it was because of her being new at her job. She promised that there was nothing there and that it was wrong. (Stupid me believed her)

Over the course of this past year, I have probably revisited the question of anything between her and Derek two or three times. She always adamantly maintained that there wasn’t.

So on this past Labor Day (2018), I saw that text to him and asked her again, “Did something happen with Derek.”  She said “no.”

I headed out to my workout class and she called twice in the five minute drive, so I picked up. She told me over the phone that she and Derek did in fact kiss. I skipped my workout and came home. When I got home, the story grew more and now they’ve not only kissed but had met several times in his clinic. She claims that they were physical but didn’t have sex.  Only the two of them know the real truth.

She said that she was infatuated with him because he was nice.

Finding out about yet another affair is the knockout punch for me. Any small spark of hope was extinguished with this new discovery. She says that the two affairs meant the same thing, but to me they don’t. They are simply more and more times where she chose betrayal over loyalty. Lying over honesty.

The affair with Derek was about four months long (according to her) while the affair with Mark was two months. So, literally since we moved into this house, she has been in an affair, hiding an affair, been in another affair, and now supposedly recovering from the affairs.

We’ll be divorced soon.

How to deceive a spouse

Deception.

Probably the single most damaging thing to a marriage relationship when there is infidelity is deception. You see deception requires an illusion. It requires that a partner trusts his spouse completely. He not only trusts her, but he believes her. He believes that there simply is NO WAY she would be the type of person to cheat. Wouldn’t happen.

The cheating spouse knows that he believes her 100%.  She knows that he trusts her which is the ONLY way that deception stands a chance. You see, if someone doesn’t trust another person, then they will do things to guard themselves. If you don’t trust your spouse for example, you may build up emotional walls, you might track their phone, you might pay careful attention to them to see their next move.

But when you believe and trust your spouse, you give them complete freedom and equality. You trust that with that freedom, that openness, and that equality they will take the responsibility to stay faithful.

synonyms:

swindle, defraud, cheat, trick, hoodwink, hoax, dupe, take in, mislead, delude, fool, outwit, lead on, inveigle, beguile, double-cross, gull; informal con, bamboozle, do, gyp, diddle, rip off, shaft, pull a fast one on, take for a ride, pull the wool over someone’s eyes, sucker, snooker, stiff

Without mutual respect, trust, honesty and openness, the relationship is not there. Not really. So much closeness is required to deceive a spouse. The scary part of this is that a husband may give all of his trust and belief to his wife and she’s plotting against him.

Once discovered, the deception can shatter his sense of reality. It is extremely damaging to say the least. The betrayed spouse can suffer from PISD (Post-Infidelity Stress Disorder) and they can have dangerous adrenaline and other hormone cocktails released in their bodies. The stress cannot be understated.

The reality is that a wife who purposely damages her husband’s sense of reality is immoral. The betrayed spouse’s sense of truth, significance, certainty, respect, trust, honor, dignity and love are all destroyed instantly. There is not really an adequate way to heal from it.

Affairs and deception are the best way to destroy another person. They change the relationship forever. Period. You can never go back and have any semblance of what was there before. That is gone. Even remorse doesn’t “fix” it because of the lies and deception.

It is ugly. Hideous. It is insidious. It partners with the enemy of morality and it destroys.

Someone who trusts another person with everything is vulnerable. And in that vulnerability, their spouse betrays them. That part is the most damaging.

 

Moral Boundaries

Her ability to continue to cross boundaries of morality and integrity are astonishing to me. But then are they?

Recently, Allie filed her taxes. Since we were married for all of last year we have to file “married filing separately” or “married filing jointly.” At any rate, she filed. Our stipulation and divorce decree states that we will alternate years with who claims the children. Each year we will claim one and then we’ll alternate our third child. This year, she was to claim two kids and I was gonna claim one.

I asked her a couple of times about whether she filed according to our decree. She didn’t answer. (this is when I knew she didn’t)  So I called the accountant that she used and confirmed that she claimed all three.  She had also told me that she didn’t remember (lie).

Here’s the point. Lying, cheating, stealing, deception, and betrayal are becoming so normal for her, that she literally doesn’t see anything wrong with any of it. She “deserves Derrick’s business because he’s an ass.”  She filed how the accountant told her to file because she “made more money than I did.”  (she made $25k LESS than I did)

She had sex with Mark and cheated on our marriage because “they were in a relationship” And she moved into a serious relationship with her new victim just a couple weeks after I moved out.

It’s a slippery slope. Once a person lets go of any semblance of moral boundaries, they will let them all go. They just don’t see anything wrong with the immoral stuff they do.