Category: Divorce

Subtle and subversive blame

I was chatting with one of my FB friends. We will call her Ainsley. She is going through a similar thing with her husband. Her hubby cheated a while back and treated her like shit. Now, she wants out and her husband is being super nice and saying he’s changed.

She messaged me this morning and what she hit on was so profound that I had to write about it.

Direct Blame

Any of you who’ve been through having an unfaithful spouse knows the direct blame game that they play. They make a lot of “you” statements and I wrote about blame here and here.  In a nutshell, the person who was faithful will often come out blaming themselves for the marital difficulties and even the affairs. Often, the faithful spouse will think, “I could have met their needs better. I could have been a better husband or wife. I could have done better.” That is all complete bullshit. And I wrote about not blaming yourself here.

“You” Statements are a form of direct blame.

  • You weren’t meeting my needs
  • You were distant
  • You never paid me attention

There are hundreds more. But they all mean the same thing. “You’re responsible for my actions.”  And that shit don’t play.  It’s too bad that we will take on that responsibility on ourselves. I did with Allie’s first affair.

Here’s where Ainsley’s messages to me today were so profound. I had a light bulb go off in my head reading through what she was saying.

Indirect – Subtle Blame

Ainsley said this to me today.

This is the bargaining tool my husband keeps using too. He has “changed”….they chose to do things that cannot be taken back knowing exactly what the consequences are of that action. So as much as my husband is trying to guilt me by saying he has changed and she [Allie]  is trying to do the same. It is not our fault.

For the past several months, Allie has been seemingly remorseful and repentant. She keeps telling me how much she has changed and how her eyes are open to what she did.

Here’s the subtle blame though and the profound part of Ainsley’s message. Basically because the cheater has “changed” they throw a lot of guilt your way because you haven’t accepted that change. You can’t see the “work” they’ve put in to be a better person. Here are some direct quotes from Allie to me via text. See if you can spot the subtle blame in each of these messages:

  • Meanwhile I’m loving you and praying for you
  • I am faithful and honest
  • I’m sorry for the things you’ve said to me (personal favorite)
  • Don’t you understand how sad I am over you and me?
  • I would do anything to take it back
  • I’m asking for you to be a safe place
  • I’m trying to be a strong person
  • I gave you my body as much as you wanted
  • I want to strive for wholeness with you
  • I was trying so hard to love you
  • How can you be so cruel. You bring up those things in relationships I have renounced and asked forgiveness for?
  • I have done everything I can to show you how sad I am over this
  • I have poured myself into this marriage
  • Everything I say gets used against me
  • I chose to trust you with heart broken feelings I have
  • All I have done is work on fixing me

Keep in mind, I think that Allie believes the things she is saying. But the underlying tone to each of these is quite intentional. They are blaming me for not accepting her back. Heck, she’s apologized. So, what more does she need to do?

She’s loved me and been strong and prayed for me. She’s poured herself out to me and renounced the multiple external relationships with other men. How in the world is it that I can’t accept that and just get over it?

That’s the blame. That the subversive, ugly part of this. Let me break it down to very simple terms:

She cheats and blames me. Then she says she’s sorry and blames me for not being willing to move on like it never happened.

Thank you Ainsley. Your messages over the past couple days are completely eye opening.

The end of my divorce journey

It has been nearly a year since the discovery of Allie’s affair with Mark. And about five months since she confessed her affair with her boss Derek. As of February 3rd, 2019 we are officially divorced. Eighteen years, lots and lots of history. Living in four different countries, giving birth in three different countries and a life together.

With the divorce, I feel that I have reached the last chapter in this blog’s journey. Not much else to say on here except a few parting thoughts.

First, when my spouse cheated on our marriage and betrayed me by breaking every promise she’d ever made, she chose that by herself. She owns that. Let’s just pretend that our marriage was totally miserable. Well then I was in the same miserable marriage right? And I kept my commitments. I was faithful. I leave with my honor and my dignity.

And if I a gonna be with an immoral woman, then I might as well just be single. Being married is hard. You swallow a lot of shit for the sake of the commitment and for the marriage. I changed drastically to walk on the egg shells she had me on. Nothing seemed good enough and she always wanted more.

Now, I have come to grips with the story. There’s no changing it. No going back. No wondering if I made the right decision. I am 100% satisfied that I chose correctly by going through with divorce from Allie.

My feelings are expressed. My heart was laid to bare. It helped to write this. Hurt to write it. I have sobbed through some of these entries.

Now, I am done. I don’t have tears any longer and can hardly believe that she’s the same person I fell in love with and loved for nearly 20 years. But it is over now, I am looking forward. Moving on. Living my own dreams. Loving my sons. And growing myself into new and different places.

The healing that has taken place over the last year changed me. Quite possibly I will live my days as a single man. Content to do my things, hang out with my friends, sing karaoke, drink a cider every once in a while and date as it happens.

That being said, I think I will stop writing on this site and move to my new interests. This has been healing. This has been comfort. This has been a place to let it all out.

 

Justification by relationship

I realized by closing this blog with my “goodbye” post may have been premature. This blog is as much about helping others through the process of grieving the loss of a spouse as it is for me to heal, process and journal.

Something I have been thinking of the the past few days. I am just now sitting down to write it out. I write these posts from the heart and rarely – if ever – do I go back and edit or change the posts. I feel that it is best to honestly express yourself as you write so that the rawness can “come out.”

Allie’s New Relationship

You probably know that I moved out in October of last year and in November, Allie started a relationship with a guy named Erin.

That aside, she has been dating him for a couple of months now and I know very, very little about him. She doesn’t throw the relationship in my face and my kids don’t say much.

What I know from her is that he doesn’t live in Idaho. And they have mostly a phone relationship. I know that she spent five or six days with him over New Years.  And this coming Spring Break she is going with him somewhere. I have a guess that she’s heading out of the country with him, but that’s another story. (during the time she’s gone, I will be enjoying Spring Break with my sons in Vegas!)

But here’s why I wanted to write about this. When a woman cheats, she is getting validation for herself. Perhaps she has a low self-esteem, or is aging, or feels “lonely” etc. So she cheats on her husband, fucks the whole relationship up, causes extreme havoc and etc. We all know this from my story and probably from your story as well.

Often, a cheater is able to move on to a new relationship quite quickly which baffles men. I am part of several Facebook support groups and at least 2-3 times daily men will ask, “how was she able to move on so quickly after 15, 20, 25 years?”

My budding theory is that women who cheat HAVE to move on quickly. They have to prove to themselves (validation) that they did the right thing. And wow!  This great guy just happened to come along. They believe with their whole hearts that they are being blessed because they were with the wrong guy (you). They may have met their “soul mate” in this new guy because he makes her feel so special.

Read more about why people cheat: https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/infidelity-justifications-of-the-unfaithful

What is interesting is that these justifications don’t stop when your marriage ends. They have to build this new relationship. I mean it is an absolute requirement for them to be able to believe that what they did was “right.”

Time and time again, I read about women doing this. Time and time again, this new guy is not all he’s cracked up to be. Severely flawed, poor, criminals, dishonest, cheats. And it completely baffles the men who were in love with their women. They describe the woman they were married to as a stranger. Someone who isn’t the woman they married.

But as you start to understand that this is female/cheating nature, you start to realize that they are setting themselves up for failure. Failure which they will justify as the other guy’s fault. It may be a couple of years or a couple of months, but they will see the flaws and will NEVER take responsibility for their own actions.

Jennifer Lopez

Do you know that Alex Rodriguez and Jennifer Lopez just got engaged. This will be her FOURTH marriage. And her SIXTH engagement. All the sudden, J LO seems to be the common denominator in the relationship failures huh? What do you think she’s gonna do to ARod when he screws up. Just once? She will ditch him.

Does this help?

Maybe by writing this, it will help some of you. I know that there can be some jealousy that her life looks great while the men are left picking up the pieces. We are over here trying to help our kids through the divorce, earning a living and figuring out the new life that we’ve been handed while she’s playing “house” with the new man.

But she HAS to. Otherwise, she will face herself…..the only person really to blame in all of this.

An interesting email

Last year (2018) I attended counseling with Allie. We had two counselors who sat in on all of the sessions. Towards the end of counseling, I was well aware that the marriage was over. I had just found about Allie’s third affair with her boss Derek. I would say that was the nail in the coffin, but it was already over. That just was one MORE reason for me to follow through with a divorce from her.

Allie sent this email to the counselors right after I found out about her third affair. Read this and just enjoy the sickness.

So her “plan” was to keep Derek a secret from me for five more years because by then, we’d have a thriving marriage. By then, I would have “worked on myself” and become a man she could love and stay faithful to?

Then read the last two lines. “Am I asking too much?”  Yes. You cheated on your husband at least three times!!  Now, you’re asking him to stay with you? What the fuck?

“Does that sound like entitlement?” Even she cannot believe the bullshit that comes out of her own mouth.

You can tell a lot by people’s friends

You know, I haven’t written in quite some time. Well here on this blog. I have a personal journal where I write, but sometimes, things I write may not be suitable for the public.

I was thinking today that you can really tell a lot about people by the company they keep. And as I look back upon the 18 years that was my marriage, I can see the people that Allie chose to associate with.

  • There was Nancy – a known cheater who got pregnant and didn’t know if it was her husband’s baby or her affair partner’s. She and Allie were besties for a time. But like all of Allie’s “besties,” Nancy is no longer in her life.
  • There was Shawn – Allie’s first (that I know of) affair partner. He was married with three kids and was cheating on his wife to be with Allie. A real piece of shit lawn guy. Allie chose to be with a lawn guy with three kids and a wife. (while I was earning about $200k that year)
  • And, of course, Mark – Mark was married with four kids. Cheating on his wife with Allie.  Mark is a construction/remodel guy. Probably did pretty well in his business. Now Mark is calling me and apologizing and trying to get his ex-wife, Carrie, to get married to him again. What a piece of shit.
  • Now, her bestie is Lauren – Lauren had her fifth child with her ex-husband Zane. Lauren and Zane were middle school sweethearts and neither of them has ever kissed another person, let alone had sex. Lauren decided that every time they had sex as man and wife, Zane was raping her. Five kids!  Now, Zane has spent nearly $100k in court battling with her and can only see his kids every other weekend. One of his kids is best friends with one of my kids, so I get to hear how terrible it is. Two of the kids hate what’s happening and that they don’t get to see their dad. And they don’t really like their mom. This is Allie’s current bestie. Lauren has NEVER had a job. Ever. Zane took care of everything. Zane is a good looking guy, great dad, LOVED his weird ex-wife and was faithful. Now, she’s cleaning him out using the court system.

All piece of shit people that can’t handle being adults.