Healing and Hurting – Page 2 – I was cheated on

Your mind cannot comprehend it

Brains are amazing organs. The brain is constantly attempting to resolve things. Literally, your brain is processing thousands of things every second. From things you hear, things you see, things you touch or experience. Your brain processes and resolves millions of “items” every single day.

In affairs, there is no good answer. What answer would be “good enough” to satisfy your brain if you’ve been cheated on? I have explored these reasons before. And literally no one could ever give me a reason.

As a matter of fact, I reached out to one of our marriage counselors. I asked them about how you would ever know. Our counselors are a husband/wife team. They’ve been married for 30+ years. The husband of the team cheated on his wife for the first 10 years of their marriage. The wife (the one I texted today) said to me that you literally will never know. You will never comprehend the “why” behind a spouse cheating. I mean there’s the reasons like a one night stand, etc. I get it that shit happens. But even then, if you truly love someone you won’t do it. At least that’s what my brain tells me.

Her advice today was that I have to accept it and find healing in that acceptance. I have sadness, trauma, anger and betrayal to deal with. But she assures me that it’s worth the fight. Not worth the fight for me. I will divorce Allie once she agrees…

Best Article I have come across so far

This is by far the best article on affairs, I have ever read. It is in three parts. It addresses everything that I have been going through but from the side of a therapist speaking to people who are or were cheating.

https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/31-reasons-to-stop-affair-part-one

I knew it – Yet another affair

Last Sunday I was acting as Allie’s realtor and showing her houses. I got a bit caught up in her manipulation and began to dream a bit with her about buying a house together. I know it’s stupid, but breaking free from Narcissistic abuse is tough. It felt like almost a relief to dream with her. Weird I know, but since finding out about her affair with Mark nearly six months ago, I have not been able to daydream or plan any sort of future. My mind just simply wouldn’t go there. So Sunday felt kind of nice. Almost serene.

The next morning, on Labor Day Monday, I opened her phone and saw a text she sent to her boss Derek. It was on August 20th while I was visiting a friend in New Jersey. The text was off-color. Not something that you would send to the guy you work for. Not flirty, just outside of professional context.

Rewind to last year. I noticed some texts to Derek last September-ish which were flirty and attention-seeking from Kelli to him. I questioned her about them and she got defensive, but a few hours later apologized saying that I was right and that she had been seeking attention from him. She claimed it was because of her being new at her job. She promised that there was nothing there and that it was wrong. (Stupid me believed her)

Over the course of this past year, I have probably revisited the question of anything between her and Derek two or three times. She always adamantly maintained that there wasn’t.

So on this past Labor Day (2018), I saw that text to him and asked her again, “Did something happen with Derek.” She said “no.”

I headed out to my workout class and she called twice in the five minute drive, so I picked up. She told me over the phone that she and Derek did in fact kiss. I skipped my workout and came home. When I got home, the story grew more and now they’ve not only kissed but had met several times in his clinic. She claims that they were physical but didn’t have sex. Only the two of them know the real truth.

She said that she was infatuated with him because he was nice.

Finding out about yet another affair is the knockout punch for me. Any small spark of hope was extinguished with this new discovery. She says that the two affairs meant the same thing, but to me they don’t. They are simply more and more times where she chose betrayal over loyalty. Lying over honesty.

The affair with Derek was about four months long (according to her) while the affair with Mark was two months. So, literally since we moved into this house, she has been in an affair, hiding an affair, been in another affair, and now supposedly recovering from the affairs.

We’ll be divorced soon.

A text from my best friend

So, I have a best friend of 30 years. He was there for me when Allie had her first affair.

I sent him a text yesterday just to tell him how Allie and I had a little verbal exchange and one of the things that really still gets to me.

While we were arguing, Allie exclaimed, “I was getting my needs met!” She was referring to affairs #2 and #3. This always gets to me. It bugs me because there is a place where she feels justified in having an affair. Imagine me having an affair after our kids were born simply because my sexual needs weren’t being met by my wife. There’s about a 6-week window where the vagina just isn’t up for any action.

So, with Allie’s theory I could simply say, “I was getting my needs met” and she should be okay with it right? I mean, we have three children so that’s about 12 weeks total where my needs weren’t getting met by my wife. So, I should have the liberty to get laid outside of our marriage with no consequence right?

I send the text to my friend and he replies with this:

Apparently she doesn’t like to be reminded she’s wrong or not perfect. She can’t handle the rejection. Or what she thinks is rejection. Her vision of herself is one of perfection. This goes right to what you’ve been saying, that she needs validation. She needs to be right. It is important to her. So important, that she will risk (and lose) everything for that validation and need to be right. If you remind her of a fault or a time she was wrong, you become the enemy. Allie has a screw loose brother. I think if you take out the sex and really assess your 20 years together, you will find a lot of fighting, arguing, finger pointing, inability to meet in the middle. My guess is that you are always wrong. (in her mind)

She thinks validation is a perfect husband. Fit. Earner. Boy Scout. You said both times you gained weight, she strayed. She wanted you to be like Mark. She laughed at your career choice the other day. Bottom line, she doesn’t respect you or how you look, or what you do. Hence the affairs. Respect, keeps her home, faithful. Lack of respect puts you on the curb like trash. This is getting easier to see and diagnose.

This is the MOST insightful thing I have ever read on what is going on. My friend is absolutely correct on all counts. She literally expects perfection. She loves to judge others. And especially me. I have often felt like I was walking on egg shells around her. Not accepted for who I am. But having to squash myself in order to not rock her boat.

My buddy also nails it when he says “Respect keeps her home, faithful. Lack of respect puts you on the curb…”

She really doesn’t respect me at all.

I choose me

Wrote a note to Allie that I never sent. She said that I was choosing women on Facebook over her.

If you’re just tuning in, Allie had three affairs. This entire blog is about my process through this after finding out on March 20, 2018. Wanna read it? Start here instead.

Here is my response to her that I wrote but never sent. I sent a much shorter response.

The only person I am choosing over you is me.

I am choosing to draw the line and commit to myself. The line is saying that where you went is not okay. What you did, even if it was a symptom, was so destructive that I need some space and time.

I am working on me, my healing, my desires, my dreams, my life, my values.

When I needed you most, during a painful journey with my mom, you abandoned me for Derek. You piled on blame and confused me with your deception. You covered your tracks with lies and betrayed me while breaking our vows and the promise you made me six years ago.

I haven’t even been able to fully process my experience with my mom dying. I wanted to write a small memoir to her but I have been more than distracted by your affairs. I fear by the time I get to really pour myself into grieving her it will be too late.

Then, to make it even worse you added an affair with Mark. You gave yourself fully to him. Fell in love with him and repeated and expanded the betrayal, lies and deception.

And you tell me that I am the one giving up? That it isn’t personal? That it isn’t against me?

I am destroyed by this. So it really feels like it is against me.

I have forever changed. I have lost the ability to believe. Lost the adoration and admiration I had for you. You were better than how you decided to behave. And I deserved way more than how you treated me.

“You” Statements

Blaming someone else makes you a victim. Victims are powerless people. Being powerless means that you have no control over a change. Therefore you’re at the mercy of the other person changing to get your need met. In order to get the other person to change, you will manipulate or try to control them. So, you introduce destructive behaviors into a situation in order to get your need met.

Cheaters blame the other person often. Non-scientifically, I would venture to guess that when someone is unfaithful to their spouse, they will 100% blame the other person in one way or another. I wrote about blame some time ago. Basically, the cheater will make a lot of “you” statements. Sounds a lot like these:

“You weren’t meeting my needs”
“You were not there for me”
“You didn’t care enough about me to take care of your physique”
“You didn’t surprise me”
“You weren’t pursuing me”
“You never paid me any attention”
“You made me feel lonely in our marriage”
“You don’t pick up your socks”

There are much better, non-blaming, non-controlling ways to say these things. There are ways to go about expressing feelings, needs and emotions without damaging the relationship

What’s your worth?

So, you’ve been cheated on. I get it. This entire blog is on my story of my wife Allie cheating on me three times! (that I know of) It chronicles the heartbreak, the pain, the confusion and the isolation I have felt. It questions everything that I ever believed to be true.

It rocked the very foundations of my life and made me reevaluate who I am and what I want out of life. Is it hard? Yes! Is it painful? Without question. But I want to share something with you as I have journeyed for the past seven months since finding about Allie’s affairs.

I want to share that I am good. No really. I am.

I am moving out in a few weeks and for the first time since March of 2000, I will be living separately from my wife. We’ve been married for 18 years and in that time we’ve dreamed, we’ve striven, we’ve worked, we’ve built traditions, we’ve had children, we’ve laughed, we’ve cried, we’ve hoped and we’ve been let down.

While we can always look back at the negative aspects of our relationship, I am choosing not to (as much as possible). I am choosing to see the myriad of blessings that have come from the two of us being together. The biggest blessing of all are our three sons we have together. They are fantastic young men and I love being able to pour myself into their lives.

Allie has some pretty tough & deep issues to work through. In 18 years of marriage, she had three affairs. The first was 6 years ago. The second was with her boss (who she still works for) last year. The third was the knockout punch. An affair with Mark, the guy she and I both knew from Crossfit.

Sometimes we can look at these things and decide that we “wasted 18 years of our lives.” In some ways that has some truth. Because had we not chosen this spouse, we could have chosen another spouse. In theory, if all went well, we wouldn’t be here now with this kind of pain and these massive hurdles. But that’s hindsight and we didn’t see the future. We can’t beat ourselves up for something we had no idea would happen.

But we don’t have yesterday do we? We can’t change the past as badly as we might want to. So, we have today. And I look at it this way. I am actually letting go and being saved from a lifetime of pain. Imagine spending even more of my life with someone who doesn’t want to be with me. Don’t get me wrong, her words say she wants to be with me and she loves me, but actions speak WAY LOUDER than words. Three affairs? That speaks volumes.

It would be much too complex to lay out our entire story. But suffice it to say that I was very sad about what I was having to deal with in my life. You see, i because my mom’s legal guardian because she had horrible dementia. Because of that, her memory was terrible. She got to the point that she no longer knew anyone else. Not me, not my brother, not her grandchildren.

So, this journey with her was very difficult for me to say the least. I was very close to my mom and often called her my “superhero.” When I would visit her, I would get thrown into a mild depression of sorts. Just kind of in a daze as I was completely helpless to do anything for her. The woman who had sacrificed for me and my brother, given everything as a single mom, and I couldn’t do anything. There’s literally nothing we can do with that disease.

But Allie has some strong narcissistic tendencies. And she couldn’t stand that my attention wasn’t being given to her 100% of the time. So, she looked for another’s attention. Read the quote below:

Even at your best, you will NEVER be right for the wrong person. But with the right person, even at your worst, they will remind you of your worth.

Look, that quote doesn’t exactly fit, but it does say this. You are worth everything. I am worth everything. It completely devalued me with what she did. While I was walking through the toughest emotional journey I had ever been through, she piled it on by having two affairs. Sharing her body and sexuality with another man. “Falling in love” with a complete stranger. It is sickening. But I am free. And I am worth it.

Subtle and subversive blame

I was chatting with one of my FB friends. We will call her Ainsley. She is going through a similar thing with her husband. Her hubby cheated a while back and treated her like shit. Now, she wants out and her husband is being super nice and saying he’s changed.

She messaged me this morning and what she hit on was so profound that I had to write about it.

Direct Blame

Any of you who’ve been through having an unfaithful spouse knows the direct blame game that they play. They make a lot of “you” statements and I wrote about blame here and here. In a nutshell, the person who was faithful will often come out blaming themselves for the marital difficulties and even the affairs. Often, the faithful spouse will think, “I could have met their needs better. I could have been a better husband or wife. I could have done better.” That is all complete bullshit. And I wrote about not blaming yourself here.

“You” Statements are a form of direct blame.

You weren’t meeting my needs
You were distant
You never paid me attention

There are hundreds more. But they all mean the same thing. “You’re responsible for my actions.” And that shit don’t play. It’s too bad that we will take on that responsibility on ourselves. I did with Allie’s first affair.

Here’s where Ainsley’s messages to me today were so profound. I had a light bulb go off in my head reading through what she was saying.

Indirect – Subtle Blame

Ainsley said this to me today.

This is the bargaining tool my husband keeps using too. He has “changed”….they chose to do things that cannot be taken back knowing exactly what the consequences are of that action. So as much as my husband is trying to guilt me by saying he has changed and she [Allie] is trying to do the same. It is not our fault.

For the past several months, Allie has been seemingly remorseful and repentant. She keeps telling me how much she has changed and how her eyes are open to what she did.

Here’s the subtle blame though and the profound part of Ainsley’s message. Basically because the cheater has “changed” they throw a lot of guilt your way because you haven’t accepted that change. You can’t see the “work” they’ve put in to be a better person. Here are some direct quotes from Allie to me via text. See if you can spot the subtle blame in each of these messages:

Meanwhile I’m loving you and praying for you
I am faithful and honest
I’m sorry for the things you’ve said to me (personal favorite)
Don’t you understand how sad I am over you and me?
I would do anything to take it back
I’m asking for you to be a safe place
I’m trying to be a strong person
I gave you my body as much as you wanted
I want to strive for wholeness with you
I was trying so hard to love you
How can you be so cruel. You bring up those things in relationships I have renounced and asked forgiveness for?
I have done everything I can to show you how sad I am over this
I have poured myself into this marriage
Everything I say gets used against me
I chose to trust you with heart broken feelings I have
All I have done is work on fixing me

Keep in mind, I think that Allie believes the things she is saying. But the underlying tone to each of these is quite intentional. They are blaming me for not accepting her back. Heck, she’s apologized. So, what more does she need to do?

She’s loved me and been strong and prayed for me. She’s poured herself out to me and renounced the multiple external relationships with other men. How in the world is it that I can’t accept that and just get over it?

That’s the blame. That the subversive, ugly part of this. Let me break it down to very simple terms:

She cheats and blames me. Then she says she’s sorry and blames me for not being willing to move on like it never happened.

Thank you Ainsley. Your messages over the past couple days are completely eye opening.

How to deceive a spouse

Deception.

Probably the single most damaging thing to a marriage relationship when there is infidelity is deception. You see deception requires an illusion. It requires that a partner trusts his spouse completely. He not only trusts her, but he believes her. He believes that there simply is NO WAY she would be the type of person to cheat. Wouldn’t happen.

The cheating spouse knows that he believes her 100%. She knows that he trusts her which is the ONLY way that deception stands a chance. You see, if someone doesn’t trust another person, then they will do things to guard themselves. If you don’t trust your spouse for example, you may build up emotional walls, you might track their phone, you might pay careful attention to them to see their next move.

But when you believe and trust your spouse, you give them complete freedom and equality. You trust that with that freedom, that openness, and that equality they will take the responsibility to stay faithful.

synonyms:

swindle, defraud, cheat, trick, hoodwink, hoax, dupe, take in, mislead, delude, fool, outwit, lead on, inveigle, beguile, double-cross, gull; informal con, bamboozle, do, gyp, diddle, rip off, shaft, pull a fast one on, take for a ride, pull the wool over someone’s eyes, sucker, snooker, stiff

Without mutual respect, trust, honesty and openness, the relationship is not there. Not really. So much closeness is required to deceive a spouse. The scary part of this is that a husband may give all of his trust and belief to his wife and she’s plotting against him.

Once discovered, the deception can shatter his sense of reality. It is extremely damaging to say the least. The betrayed spouse can suffer from PISD (Post-Infidelity Stress Disorder) and they can have dangerous adrenaline and other hormone cocktails released in their bodies. The stress cannot be understated.

The reality is that a wife who purposely damages her husband’s sense of reality is immoral. The betrayed spouse’s sense of truth, significance, certainty, respect, trust, honor, dignity and love are all destroyed instantly. There is not really an adequate way to heal from it.

Affairs and deception are the best way to destroy another person. They change the relationship forever. Period. You can never go back and have any semblance of what was there before. That is gone. Even remorse doesn’t “fix” it because of the lies and deception.

It is ugly. Hideous. It is insidious. It partners with the enemy of morality and it destroys.

Someone who trusts another person with everything is vulnerable. And in that vulnerability, their spouse betrays them. That part is the most damaging.

Molly is back. And it is so comforting.

Molly is back in my life a bit. If you remember her, she was a HUGE support to me during the Summer (2018) as I reeled in pain over Kelli’s affairs. Heartache is simply the worst emotional trauma that a person can experience. We had an extended conversation today. Rather than try to screenshot the conversation, I have decided to type it out. Partly because I want to experience it again. And partly because I don’t want to create so many screenshots on my phone.

ME: Honestly I am still pretty angry at Kelli. Especially as we approach Christmas. It’s hart to get over it even though I know I can’t stay married with the infidelities.

MOLLY: I think that certain times of year will be hard for a while. Just expect it. I am sorry. You absolutely can create something new to make new memories. It’s got to be especially maddening when your anger doesn’t come with an apology.

ME: She apologizes but it feels hollow. Shallow. Hard to explain but when someone throws away every ounce of trust, family, history, 18 years of marriage, morals, etc for four affairs, apology doesn’t really come close to fixing it.

MOLLY: That’s not hard to understand at all. What I meant was a feeling of remorse. Not words. Not that kind of apology. You can do this. You can do hard things. You can admit to being sad, admit to the struggle of creating holidays when things have changed. You can find gratitude in what you do have. Which is much.

You can start with very small things. Like ….. a tree. And some ornaments. Maybe the kids pick them out. And next year, your routine will be much easier. Small things.

ME: Thank you Molly. Tearing up right now. I went to Allie’s house today to get a few things and she reminded me how she’s “repented” so it’s not her issue anymore. And she called me a jerk. Wish I had never met or married her.

MOLLY: Bob, even that will pass. She just cannot accept that she made a devastating choice.

ME: She probably never will.

MOLLY: She will

ME: You believe that?

MOLLY: 100% I do. I think we have layers of ourselves to which we admit certain things. At her deepest layer, she is already there. In time, it will move through the rest. It always does.

ME: And the wake of destruction she left behind her?

MOLLY: It has the potential to be used to shape you all into some human beings that the world needs very, very much. What you’ve gone through and you coming out the other side with your boys and with honesty…it’s a light for all who will ever cross your path.

ME: I need this right now. Instantly today, I am back to a place of overwhelming sadness.

MOLLY: We don’t really grow into anything of substance without adversity. This was NOT FAIR. This shouldn’t be yours. But it WILL burn less after the holiday and you WILL be stronger than ever. And you will know more than you did before. You were deceived. It happens to all of us and it hurts the most. The MOST! It didn’t happen because YOU weren’t worth of something else. But it happened. You have nowhere else to go but to take the pain and loss and transform it into a motivation to go higher.

And you’re exactly the MAN who will do that.

The winter solstice is Dec. 21st. It’s known as the dark night of the soul. You’re in good company. A lot of people are with you, myself included ever year.

But this year…it doesn’t define me. I just acknowledge that part of me. Of all of us. Our losses. Our wishes and hopes not realized. Life being hard.

The sky is dark. Cold.

But after that day comes…..new. Fresh. Potential. Especially when we don’t run from the dark before the light. We accept it as part of life and we know we don’t walk alone. By a long shot.

Soon, there will be more daylight. And with more light…..more life. More new things. A fresh start.

IF we are paying attention.

That aside, it is the same inside of you. Parts are feeling very dark. But they don’t stay that way. Nothing in nature does.

ME: I need it. I feel completely alone here in Idaho. My entire personality is different when I am in New Jersey with Dave. His family is my family.

I have dark thoughts toward her because she controls where I life. I moved her for her family and outside of the boys I have zero close people here. The one person I had was Allie. Of course, she doesn’t see that. I feel stripped bare. Trying to make my way as a 50-year old man with no history here. No meaningful connections.

MOLLY: Then you’ll have to travel there as much as you can for now.

ME: If she weren’t here, I would move away immediately.

MOLLY: And be so grateful that you have a place Bob. Where that exists at all. That is enormous!!!!!! It’s there. It exists! HUGE!

ME: Fucking far away.

MOLLY: Very soon, you can go there more often. I know it’s far.

ME: I was there in August and November. Happy. Here if feel stuck and alone.

MOLLY: I am a 43-year old woman trying to make my way in a place that has no love for me. No support. No care for my well being. I know how that part feels.

ME: It is lonely

MOLLY: It is lonely.

ME: It’s not that I don’t like being alone. I do. But I feel I had certainty and significance (which I know was false)

MOLLY: Same.

I like being alone. But I also wish I had a community of people who helped our family in hard times. Support.

ME: Yes.

MOLLY: What made you feel certain and significant?

ME: I believed in Allie. She was supposedly my best friend.

MOLLY: I would say most of that was true.

ME: I thought we knew one another and had each other’s back

MOLLY: I think a person can be good but have a defect that is destructive.

ME: So destructive. Like “LIFE ALTERING DESTRUCTIVE”

MOLLY: For sure. No one is untouched by that.

MOLLY: You will trust again. But a real human with a real heart will need time. You need time to assimilate all of this!

Each injury and memory needs to be looked at, acknowledged, and placed somewhere in your being. Somewhere that is intentional. That just takes time. Please. Nurture the parts of you that need that very much. Love yourself enough to care to heal the right way. You can! You will. You Are. Finding a new normal is scary.

So we look to fabricated something as close to our old normal as quickly as we can to stop the pain. It’s just like building a new home. Respect the builder.

Respect his desire to choose quality materials and to have enough time to build a new, beautiful house.

ME: I have missed you. You have a way of saying things that no one else does.

MOLLY: Not a bunch of MDF and 2x4s, Real wood and 2x6s. Waith for the demolition crew. Wait for the land to be cleared. Wait for the architect to finish his drawing. It’s coming. You aren’t ready to have the keys and walk into the new place.

It’s okay!!! It’s good to at least TRY to embrace or … Acknowledge. Whatever stage you’re in.

Build it strong and fantastic for the man inside of you who deserves it. Who can’t actually make the choices. But is counting on YOU to know what he wants and needs. You CAN do it.

There isn’t a person alive who doesn’t have to do the same thing. Sometimes it’s worse, sometimes better.

It’s all okay. It is GOING TO BE OKAY. I can see it.

Let go and let God. Give this time to Him. He knows you. He knows you are good. He knows the way.

ME: You are simply amazing. There is so much power in your ability to encourage and reflect.

MOLLY: It’s just that I have tried all the ways “out” and even though I still beat on the wrong doors, I know which one is the right one. Because I have tried them all.

I am always cheering for you. I support. you. Can you find a group of men somewhere?

ME: Thank you. I will look around and see. I switched churches because Sunday is Allie’s day with the kids and our church is super family-friendly. We had just started going there when Allie began her affair with her boss.

And remember when I told you that Allie had sex with Mark in our house?

I am pretty sure, based on my own calculations of their affair calendar and piecing together the stories, that she had sex with him on Sunday morning, the same day that we dedicated our three-year old at church. She literally sent me and the boys to church, had sex with Mark in our house, then came to church and participated in a dedication ceremony in front of the congregation. That was also our 3-year old’s birthday. Same day.

Another reason I had to switch churches.

[part skipped because wasn’t relevant]

MOLLY: you’re a good man. And I am sorry. You will be whole again. That’s what happens to good men.

And also…..

When a feeling comes, you can be kind to it. Totally accept it. Treat it like a baby. And ask, what is the thought behind it? We just don’t do that. But it’s the most loving thing we can do. It helps. If it is a really strong feeling to kind of detach from it a little. Notice you are separate from it. Stand back a little almost like an observer. But respect and honor each one.

And see the THOUGHT behind it. Is it true? You’re healing. I promise. It won’t overtake you.

You’re just making room for something solid. Just acknowledging you’re hurting. He is right there. Calm. Proud.

I see this tree outside my window. I am staring at it. No leaves. It looks cold. Broken. It looks like it will never be beautiful again.

But it’s roots are deep. Very deep. And it will be beautiful again. And it knows it. Your roots are deep too.