Lifelong Consequences

Maybe you’re reading this and you are or have considered having an affair on your spouse. My guess is that you’re a decent person because unlike most, you’ve tried to find something on the good ‘ole internet that will help stop you OR justify you.

Or maybe you’ve had a cheating spouse and you’re looking for answers. There aren’t any. But there are a lot of us out there who have been cheated on. Maybe that is comforting.

Or maybe you’ve cheated already and wanted to see if there are any lifelong consequences you may face. There are. And you’re shit for not telling your spouse. Yeah, I called you shit. And you’re an effing coward. But, do read on.

If you walked down that aisle, stood in front of that officiant and made promises, then you likely said something like this:

“I promise to hold you above all others. I promise to be faithful. For better for worse. Foresaking all others”

You might be sitting there thinking that I don’t know what’s happening in your marriage. True. But if you made those promises, then you should have the maturity to unmake them. You knew what you were doing when you walked the aisle so you cannot convince me that you don’t know what you’re doing now.

Whatever you’re saying to your friends or yourself to “justify” your infidelity is a load of donkey shit.

He isn’t meeting my emotional needs.
He won’t see a counselor
She doesn’t want sex with me
I deserve to feel good
My spouse is an ass to me

Those things may be true. Heck some of them are probably true. But have some effing gonads and tell your spouse first. Sit them the fuck down and say, “I am leaving you. I deserve to feel good and this marriage isn’t working for me. I know that this may hurt. But it is what I need to do for me.” See, wasn’t that easy?

The coward’s road is to have an affair. Like a rat sneaking around at night trying to get something going on the side BEFORE telling your spouse.

What makes you think that you’re even ready for a new relationship when you don’t have the fucking maturity to end this one in an honorable way?

You have to realize that if you’re straying or cheating, then you’ve got the maturity issues. I don’t care what kind of dumb ass your husband is, YOU’RE the one with the problems. Swallow that pill with your next load.

Don’t have a crazy cousin? then you’re the crazy cousin

Okay, enough soap box stuff. Your affair has lifelong, irreversible consequences. Some of those are:

He will never trust you again like he did before
If you truly love your husband, you’re gonna destroy him.
You can get an STD
You can’t un-fuck someone
You will always have mental images that won’t ever go away. Those memories last forever
You will screw up your children who you claim to love

I know its a futile exercise to even say these things. But I thought I would put it out there. Even if you get to be with your affair partner, you will screw around on him too. It’s only a matter of time.

You’re screwing up your kids too.

In this article, you can see how badly your divorce from infidelity will screw up your children. Not to mention that if you were to remarry your affair partner (or someone else) you’re not gonna be happy. You’re gonna divorce them too and screw them up as well.

But we had a relationship

This morning, Allie says to me that in Idaho it is felony to commit adultery. I looked it up and it is a felony, however rarely prosecuted. My guess is that it isn’t prosecuted ever.

But Allie says she got a little freaked out because Carrie could press charges against her. But as she thought about it, Carrie probably wouldn’t because Mark could have charges pressed against him and etc. If you don’t know, Mark is Allie’s affair partner and Carrie is Mark’s soon-to-be ex-wife. Carrie filed for divorce on May 1st, 2018.

So, as we talked about it a bit, Allie said that it is so weird that you could get a charge for simply having a relationship with someone. This is EXACTLY WHY I think that there is a mental disorder with all of this. Why you might ask? Because Allie still thinks it was just a relationship. EARTH TO ALLIE! YOU’RE MARRIED. HE’S MARRIED. THERE IS NO RELATIONSHIP UNTIL YOU’RE DIVORCED AND SINGLE. IT’S ADULTERY!

Mark just used my wife Allie anyway. It is pretty clear that he doesn’t want anything long-term with her. Heck, he’s soon-to-be single. If he wanted to run off to paradise with her, he would find a way to reach out to her. He was hitting on another woman in Crossfit just four days after the affair was discovered.

But Allie keeps saying that she wants me. Wants to be with me. Maybe I am the one with a mental disorder for not divorcing her post haste. Of course, if you know me, I process big decisions by thinking them through thoroughly. This one is the biggest decision of my life. So, I am having to really think about it.

UPDATE: She and Mark had sex more than four times. Allie was using “trickle truth” which is when you let the truth out slowly so that it doesn’t hurt as much. And, we’re divorced now.

Allie has had multiple affairs now. She had one in 2012 which she says didn’t result in sex. But this one in 2018 did result in sex. From what Allie says, they had sex four times. That’s plenty right? So, I am having to think about the risk/reward on both sides of the equation. Divorce and there are huge risks. Stay and there are huge risks. Allie hasn’t given me much of a choice right?

Cost per sex

I carefully consider decisions that I make, something my wife, Allie, doesn’t do very well. As you know, Allie has had multiple affairs now and I am weighing the options of staying or leaving her. She is repentant and remorseful now, but it is not a foregone conclusion that I will stay married to her.

I was thinking about how much the sex cost Mark, Allie’s affair partner. Mark’s wife Carrie is divorcing him and she filed on May 1st, 2018. I am writing this on the 19th of May.

Allie reports that they had sex four times. Almost five, but Allie says she couldn’t go through with it the first time they met up. Twice Mark bought and paid for a hotel room with cash. Let’s say that cost him $130.00 with tax. That’s $260.00 so far. Allie says she insisted that he wear a condom. So, unless he bought the value pack, that’s about $13.00.

The other three times, Allie says that they had sex in her car. That’s nice huh. I get to ride around in that car and think about that crap.

Anyway, Mark is up to $273.00 for four times. That’s about $68.00 per encounter.

But, like I said, Carrie is divorcing Mark. Mark and Carrie own their home outright. It is worth about $450,000. (I am a Realtor and can look that shit up)

Carrie hasn’t worked since they got married nearly 20 years ago. They have four children. Three are minors. Thus, Mark is gonna be paying 100% of their care and child support. That will probably be about $2,000 per month. Sure, he was already paying that, but they were married. Now, he’s gonna be paying that while not being married. If he wants to have a new relationship in the future, he will still be paying that and probably for another woman too. Expensive.

Carrie will get maintenance and/or alimony. That amount will have to do with 1/2 of Mark’s remodeling business. If he’s clearing $150,000 per year (wild guess), then she’ll get about $5,000-6,000 monthly. Yep. She gets half of the egghead’s income because that’s how it works here.

So, let’s just take a year at $7,000 per month. That’s $84,000. Plus $225,000 on the house and the couple hundred bucks he spent on the hotel and condoms. Probably looking at $309,000 thousand dollars.

Divide that by the four times they had sex and you’re looking at about $77,000 per episode. That’s a lot of dough. How much is my wife’s vagina worth? I mean, she’s great and all but $77k per? Yeah no.

Let’s say that he doesn’t have to pay that much in alimony and child support. All in, let’s assume he sends Carrie $4,000 monthly. Still sitting at $48,000 for the first year + half of the house. That’s $273,000 or about $70,000 bucks per fuck. That’s a lot of dough.

I get it. People are unhappy in their marriages. But just go tell your wife you’re unhappy. Still costs you money to get divorced, but when you commit adultery here in Idaho, the faithful spouse has you by the balls.

The Deathblow To Marriage

Having an affair is a deathblow to a marriage. As a matter of fact, it has a high possibility of being the final nail in the coffin so to speak.

I was reading this article today on Focus on the Family’s website. The author is a wife who cheated on her husband and subsequently got divorced. (She describes the divorce here) As a husband who has been cheated on, this article resonates with me. The author, Cheryl, says this:

“I quickly developed a deep emotional connection with a man I barely knew”

You know, that kind of sums up the sheer pain that the faithful spouses go through in all of this. Our wife has shared intimate emotions and intimate sexuality with a complete stranger. And for no good reason. I mean, all cheaters have their “reasons” but affairs don’t even mimic dating. In dating, my wife and I were cautious with our hearts, our emotions, and our physicality. We waited for all three. We spent time with one another and learned about one another. I remember that we didn’t kiss for about 60 days after we’d first started dating. My wife was (supposedly) a virgin and we were cautious with that part of our lives. We broke a few months before our marriage and she shared her virginity with me. We spent 3-4 months before marriage making love and it was beautiful. We even had a private “ceremony” before our real ceremony so that she knew my intentions were to always be with her and her alone.

Just 12 short years into our marriage, Allie had affair #1 with a man she didn’t know. She’d met him mountain biking. Just a married stranger she met on the trail one day. Soon, they were texting back and forth and Allie found herself telling him how much she was falling in love with him. They had several encounters, but Allie claims that they never had sex.

I gave her another chance. And here we are another six years later, Allie has had another affair. This time, sharing everything (and I do mean everything) with another married stranger.

Sure, they spent a lot of time talking on the phone and texting. And they met up a bunch. But for all intents and purposes, he is a complete stranger. She doesn’t know him, they’ve never dated. They never spent any real time getting to know one another. Yet, Allie “fell in love” with him. We all know it is fantasy and Allie is supposedly becoming more and more remorseful every day, but for those two months, she was at it with this guy. If this were a dating situation, she wouldn’t do that. It is COMPLETELY out of character.

Now that Allie is saying that she’s super-remorseful and claiming to want things to work out in our marriage, I spend a lot of days very confused. I am thankful that she says she is remorseful and very upset with herself that she did what she did. BUT, I am having a nearly impossible time getting over the fact that she did it in the first place. She did it. No stopping her.

This is possibly the deathblow to our marriage for me. I have found myself wondering, even looking outside of our marriage. For the first time since that private ceremony where I committed my lifelong sexuality and faithfulness to her. I am considering other women. Even somehow welcoming the thoughts. Would I go through with it? Not sure.

Allie opened a door to our marriage and it’s like opening a porthole underwater. The water just keeps coming in. Even if you happen to get the porthole to close, it has already flooded the room you’re in. You’re going to be wading through water for a very long time. Every step you take will be in the flood waters and you’re going to be constantly reminded of how the water got there in the first place.

“It never crossed my mind to be cautious about my relationships with other men because I never realized I could be so vulnerable”

The author in the above linked article says that it never crossed her mind to be cautious about her relationships with other men. Interestingly, I warned Allie about being cautious with Mark. I saw the two of them laughing about something in the Crossfit class and I said that she needed to be very careful not to give off the wrong impression. The problem was that Allie was ALREADY looking outside of our marriage for affirmation.

Mark is a narcissist. (so is Allie) That narcissism gives him the enviable ability to complement others and make others feel good. But those complements and affirmations are a means to an end for a narcissist. They aren’t genuine. Rather they are manipulative, cunning and sly. They are simply to satisfy themselves. Narcissists will freely give complements, attention and affirmations to get what they want. For Mark, it was sex with my wife. He used her. And she let him. She fell for the oldest trick in the narcissist book. Flattery. Allie falls all too easily to the narcissistic people of the world. Her dad was the biggest example in her life. Completely into himself and himself ONLY, he used manipulation to exploit those around him.

But Allie is married to me. A non-narcissist. An empath. I am skeptical. When I first met Mark, I thought to myself “that guy is full of shit…and himself. If he’s full of himself and shit, then the two must be related.” Is Mark pleasant to be around? Sure. In doses. He’s pretty funny, confident (as all narcissists are) and seems to be happy. But for those of us who can see through it, we’re quickly turned off by the superficiality of narcissists. Allie on the other hand, plays right into a narcissist’s hands. And as her husband, there is NOTHING I can do to stop it. If I try, I am just being an asshole.

There is the rub with the idea that our marriage can go on. I struggle daily with the idea that we can remain married. I am married to a woman who is completely vulnerable, easily tricked and willing to give herself over to another man. Scary huh?

What are the painful visualizations like?

What’s it like to to be the spouse who was cheated on? What are the pictures that go through your mind?

For me, it is a constant visualization of the two of them together. Watch this funny video.

I am the person taking the shower
The painful thoughts are the shampoo
The guy with the shampoo are the memories

The video is pretty funny, but thoughts and visualizations of an affair are no laughing matter. If you’re a cheating wife, this is what you’re putting your husband through.

Stay for the kids

There is a good argument out there about parents who have experienced infidelity. The argument centers around staying married for the kids’ sake. If that is the ONLY reason you’re staying, then you will be better off divorced. But, your kids may not fare so well.

Studies indicate that there are lifelong consequences for kids who experience their parents getting a divorce.

Children from divorced homes suffer academically. They experience high levels of behavioral problems. Their grades suffer, and they are less likely to graduate from high school.
Kids whose parents divorce are substantially more likely to be incarcerated for committing a crime as a juvenile.
Because the custodial parent’s income drops substantially after a divorce, children in divorced homes are almost five times more likely to live in poverty than are children with married parents.
Teens from divorced homes are much more likely to engage in drug and alcohol use, as well as sexual intercourse than are those from intact families.
Children from divorced homes experience illness more frequently and recover from sickness more slowly.6 They are also more likely to suffer child abuse.
Children of divorced parents suffer more frequently from symptoms of psychological distress.
And the emotional scars of divorce last into adulthood.

So parents who are considering divorce are statistically likely to put their kiddos through these things. Some kids don’t experience these but the probability increases.

The Wallerstein study shows that the effects of divorce can last 25 years! Yep. You read that correctly. (the linked article above has all of the references linked)

“Contrary to what we have long thought, the major impact of divorce does not occur during childhood or adolescence. Rather, it rises in adulthood as serious romantic relationships move center stage . . . Anxiety leads many [adult children of divorce] into making bad choices in relationships, giving up hastily when problems arise, or avoiding relationships altogether.”

Wallerstein adds that the problems are compounded by parents who go on to marry another spouse. Feelings of abandonment and confusion are added because of the parent’s desperate attempt to get their own needs met. The driving force for divorced parents is the loneliness that makes people kind of crazy.

The desperation for a single parent to find someone who will love and accept them causes them to almost forget about their first family.

“Children never get over divorce. It is a great loss that is in their lives forever. It is like a grief that is never over. All special events, such as holidays, plays, sports, graduations, marriages, births of children, etc., bring up the loss created by divorce as well as the family relationship conflicts that result from the ‘extended family’ celebrating any event.”

The article goes on to say that parents should take a LONG PAUSE before pursuing divorce. That’s what I am doing now. I am pausing. Though Allie is remorseful and apologetic, I am still triggered every day, every hour by thoughts. I am wrestling with the decision of staying or leaving after discovering her second affair.

Mark is a narcissist

Narcissists enter into relationships in an attempt to fill this void and to make sure that they have someone who is always available for sex, an ego stroke or whatever need they may have.

Read this article. It sums up a narcissist and how Mark was able to convince my wife, Allie, to have an affair with him. He literally swept her off her feet with adoration.

Once a target has been chosen, it’s almost like the Narcissist gets tunnel vision. They are hyper-vigilant in their pursuit and will project the perfect image that their victim wants them to be. They are excessively caring, loving and attentive at this stage. They shower their targets with attention, compliments and literally sweep them off their feet.

They place their target on a pedestal, idolize and worship them. Their target is the greatest thing since sliced bread. Here the Narcissist is ecstatic, full of hopes and dreams. They will talk and think about them constantly, they are euphoric. This is as close as a Narcissist will ever get to feeling love. This kind of idolization is what others would call infatuation.

The victim is likely so caught up in all the attention and is usually thinking at this point, that they have found their soul-mate. Their pursuer is exactly what they want in a partner (because the Narcissist is mirroring what they have learned appeals to their target)

Each time Allie has journaled about the affair in the process of our counseling, she has described Mark exactly as this article describes him. He showered her with attention, affection and made massive efforts towards her. She was his target. His victim.

Many targets are left asking themselves, “Did he ever love me? Did I mean anything to him?” The simple answer is no. No one means anything to him. Women are only a means to an end – to obtain the much needed Narcissistic Supply.

What must be remembered is that you were deliberately targeted, lied to and manipulated by a skilled con-artist, for their own gain.

Allie fell for this con completely. Hook, line and sinker. She was completely caught up in the rush of this man risking everything for her. That he would give up his family, his life, his all to be with my wife was so attractive to Allie (who may be a bit narcissistic herself if I am honest)

Already he has assessed his target, and he is now mirroring her, so he is reflecting back to her exactly what she wants to hear. But he wants control over her. He wouldn’t have her full attention or control, if she were busy doing other things.

What Mark didn’t expect was that his wife of 20 years would file for divorce. He kept telling Allie that Carrie would forgive him. That all he needed to do was confess it and apologize and their marriage would be fine.

This is mind control. The message that you receive is:

He is really keen on me

He is really like me, we have so many common interests

You have known him for far longer than you actually have

My wife believed that. My wife believed that he cared for her. My wife believed (and probably still does believe) the compliments that Mark used to get her clothes off. Here is more about the narcissist.

At the idealization stage the narcissist is not only generous in extending a compliment, he’s also gracious about accepting yours. You are special and therefore he is flattered by your expressions of high regard for him. The wonderful give and take nourishes you both.

Here are the texts between me and Mark on March 20th, 2018. This was the day I found out about the affair.

Here, the texting begins when I ask “So should I tell your wife or should you?” You see, I know Mark, so we have texted a few times before the affair was discovered.

Mark replies, “Nobody is trying to destroy your life. Are you trying to destroy mine?” Wait a second. Did Mark just try to shift a blame on me somehow. Now I am trying to destroy his life? Mark was in an active affair with my wife and he’s “not trying to destroy [my] life?” Really. Then, the blame of “are you trying to destroy mine?”

No Mark, you are destroying your own life with your choices. I don’t have anything to do with that.

Here we see Mark’s desperate appeal to me. “If you destroyed my life, will that really satisfy you? And Kelli’s too, that what you want? That going to make things better?”

Still fixated with his life being destroyed. Funny, he didn’t think about that the EXACT SAME FUCKING MORNING WHEN THE TWO OF THEM WERE TOGETHER. Sorry, where was I?

Now, the LDS Mark is gonna try to pull out my Christianity on me. “you have a woman taken in adultery. Are you gonna cast the first stone.”

Earth to egghead. You are in adultery too. You took my wife there.

“I am just asking you to spare Kelli some humiliation, and me. You are not guilt free either. I’m sure that if you start down this road, you should be prepared to have your whole situation exposed..”

This is one of my favorites. He wants to spare Kelli some humiliation (and him) of course. Then he tells me that I am not guilt free. But last I checked, I wasn’t in the hotel or car with them while they were having sex. Then one more threat of “having your whole situation exposed” I am not 100% certain of what that means, but I took it as a threat.

“Please take some time before you make a hasty decision.” he requests. You can see my reply.

Then some remorse. It was fake, but it is an attempt by the narcissist to get out of the cage they’re caught in.

“Your marriage is worth saving. And it’s possible. You can make an already bad situation much worse” While I am not sure how I can make a horrible situation worse, Mike’s desperation is bleeding through.

I love the marital advice he gives though. He should become a marriage counselor.

This is when I knocked on his door and met his second son. I asked his son if his mom Carrie was home. He said yes and went to get her. Carrie and I hung out on the front porch for a few minutes while I shared what I had just learned about 2.5 hours prior.

Carrie is divorcing Mark now. Guess he was right. His life is getting destroyed. What he was wrong about is that I was the one destroying it. He himself destroyed his own life. I had little to do with it.

I think that Allie still believes that it meant something. That it was real, in a fantasy sort of way. That he had feelings for her. Because he said that. He said that he was “developing feelings” for her. Why did he say it? Because she was telling him that she loved him and he needed to mirror back to her to make sure he wouldn’t lose his narcissistic supply…his cash cow.

The woman who ruined my marriage

I wrote on this before. My wife Allie had an affair with Mark. Mark was married to Carrie for nearly 20 years before they got divorced just this month. Carrie seems to be a very sweet person. I met her in person once on March 20th, 2018. That’s the day I told her about her husband and my wife having an affair.

This past weekend (June 4th, 2018) Carrie unfriended me on Facebook. I don’t ever care about stuff like that, but I knew it is because I am currently married to Allie. I imagined that when she opened FB and saw anything from my news feed, it reminded her of Allie. My guess was that Carrie simply couldn’t take it.

Then, I got a note from Carrie: (removed the real names for privacy)

So, I was correct. Carrie just doesn’t want to see anything that reminds her of Allie who she calls “the woman who ruined my marriage.”

I can’t say that I disagree with Carrie’s sentiment even though I am still married to Allie. A while back, when I found out they were getting divorced, I wrote about what it means to be married to “the other woman.” Not my “other woman” but “the other woman” to another marriage. (for the record, I don’t have another woman)

It really does bother me that my wife did what she did. I held Allie in such high regard. She’s a Christian, a mom of three sons, and until this affair, had only had sex with one man…….me. What would cause a woman who literally had it all to just say “screw it all, I am doing this”? Even if Allie were single, why would she go after another woman’s wife? There is no future there AND it destroys a family.

Now look, I know that Mike is as much or more at fault than Allie is. Mark ruined their marriage with Allie’s help. But my wife isn’t like that. Or at least I thought……..

When this happens, you pause and say, “who is this person I am married to?” You know how when someone commits a horrific crime and the news interviews the neighbors? The neighbors are like, “she was a nice person. I would have never imagined them doing something like this.”

That’s how this is. I am married to her. I know her. I know her character and every bit of her background. I married her when she was 24. A virgin strait “A” student. I was with her through grad school. I literally known her since she was about 21 and still so young. Everything we’ve been through would never suggest that she would help ruin another person’s family or marriage……except this is the 2nd time (edit: 3rd time. Yep, there was another one. Read on.) she’s had an affair. And both men were married.

So again, who am I married to?

Always looking over your shoulder

Betrayal – In the human experience, nothing is quite like it. From the betrayed’s perspective, it really sucks. Knowing a person who supposedly loves you has the capacity to do something horrible is so disturbing. It destroys trust…possibly forever, it kills marital intimacy and it changes the landscape of a marriage forever.

But what about the way the betrayer feels? How would it feel to be the one who betrayed another person? How does it feel to be Allie, the one who betrayed me to have an affair with a man named Mark? What would it be like to be that person after the affair? Especially when you’re trying to repent and reconcile your marriage?

Allie says she is remorseful and repentant about having an affair. Just this morning, she apologized a few more times and was tearing up at what she’s done. That feeling has to be pretty hard. She says she wants to grow old with me and be married. She doesn’t want to get divorced. (nope)

But there is an anxiety, and an unknown. She doesn’t know what the future holds for us. She is constantly looking over her shoulder to see if I am divorcing her. She is insecure and has a heaviness that is hard to explain. Life is different. The freedom she experienced in our marriage is gone. The freedom, trust, and security she had about my loyalty is shaky and uncertain. She knows that I have 90 more days in the commitment I made to make a decision about divorce.