What do I learn about love?

I found out about the 3rd affair she had (or may still be having) with her boss. That was stings a lot because of the combination of betrayal and deception. She purposely hid things with him and even when directly question, lied through her teeth. When people show you who they are, it is our job to believe them.

But I digress.

This post is about love. What is love? What does it mean to have someone love you?

For me, my wife swears that she is madly in love with me. Yet, she had two affairs within the last 12 months. So, I have a really tough time believing that she loves me. But, for argument’s sake, let’s say that she does in fact love me. Then what does that say about love? Doesn’t it say “if someone loves you, they will betray you, lie to you, cheat on you and blame you for it”?

A text from my best friend

So, I have a best friend of 30 years. He was there for me when Allie had her first affair.

I sent him a text yesterday just to tell him how Allie and I had a little verbal exchange and one of the things that really still gets to me.

While we were arguing, Allie exclaimed, “I was getting my needs met!” She was referring to affairs #2 and #3.  This always gets to me. It bugs me because there is a place where she feels justified in having an affair. Imagine me having an affair after our kids were born simply because my sexual needs weren’t being met by my wife. There’s about a 6-week window where the vagina just isn’t up for any action.

So, with Allie’s theory I could simply say, “I was getting my needs met” and she should be okay with it right? I mean, we have three children so that’s about 12 weeks total where my needs weren’t getting met by my wife. So, I should have the liberty to get laid outside of our marriage with no consequence right?

I send the text to my friend and he replies with this:

Apparently she doesn’t like to be reminded she’s wrong or not perfect. She can’t handle the rejection. Or what she thinks is rejection. Her vision of herself is one of perfection. This goes right to what you’ve been saying, that she needs validation. She needs to be right. It is important to her. So important, that she will risk (and lose) everything for that validation and need to be right.  If you remind her of a fault or a time she was wrong, you become the enemy. Allie has a screw loose brother. I think if you take out the sex and really assess your 20 years together, you will find a lot of fighting, arguing, finger pointing, inability to meet in the middle. My guess is that you are always wrong. (in her mind)

She thinks validation is a perfect husband. Fit. Earner. Boy Scout. You said both times you gained weight, she strayed. She wanted you to be like Mark. She laughed at your career choice the other day. Bottom line, she doesn’t respect you or how you look, or what you do. Hence the affairs. Respect, keeps her home, faithful. Lack of respect puts you on the curb like trash. This is getting easier to see and diagnose.

This is the MOST insightful thing I have ever read on what is going on. My friend is absolutely correct on all counts. She literally expects perfection. She loves to judge others. And especially me. I have often felt like I was walking on egg shells around her. Not accepted for who I am. But having to squash myself in order to not rock her boat.

My buddy also nails it when he says “Respect keeps her home, faithful. Lack of respect puts you on the curb…”

She really doesn’t respect me at all.

Hoovering makes you question yourself

I am really tired of getting cheated on. It’s exhausting. It is emotionally draining, so damaging and destroys everything you might think you have in a marriage. It exposes the illusion that you both love each other deeply enough to be faithful.

Infidelity is by far the WORST thing that I have ever gone through. When Allie had her first affair six years ago, it took me nearly five years to get over the pain, betrayal and deception. I forgave her pretty quickly, but then spent years cycling back through the story in my head. It took a LONG time to shake those thoughts and get it outta my head.

But why did I forgive her the first time? Great question! When I caught Allie in 2012, she was almost instantly remorseful. She told me what a mistake she’d made and how she would never do that again. Here are just a few of the lines she said back then.

  • I made a huge mistake
  • I wanted you all along
  • I was confused
  • I didn’t see it coming
  • I wasn’t looking for it
  • I will never do that again, it hurts too much
  • I am a different person
  • This has changed me
  • God has redeemed me
  • I would tell you if I was ever tempted like that again
  • I really wanted your attention
  • You’re the love of my life
  • I am so madly in love with you

So the love of my life was saying all the right things. She was doing all the right things. She was remorseful and so apologetic. I remember one night when she washed my feet as a symbolic way to say that as my wife she was serving me and would never stray again.

You can imagine that as a hurt spouse all of this sounds pretty good. “I don’t have to lose my marriage. My five- and six-year old sons wouldn’t have to experience divorced parents. And our life could move on as normal.” (nope)

What I didn’t realize (and she may not either) is that she was Hoovering me. (read more about Hoovering here) Hoovering is named after the Hoover vacuum cleaner and is a technique used by a narcissist to suck you back in. Like a vacuum, the person aims and the method sucks the betrayed spouse back. It is often used with pushing methods like “gaslighting” to make sure the narcissistic supply stays in compliance. Compliance is literally the only thing the narc wants out of relationship.

Narcs have a pathological fear of being insignificant, alone or worthless. Allie has literally said those words to me. Sentences like these:

  • “I am worth fighting for”
  • “I don’t want you to be alone” She projects this on me but what she’s saying is that she is scared to be alone
  • “God says I am worthy.”

While all of that may be true, it is so damn hard for the betrayed spouse to believe anymore. You see a person can screw up so badly that another person really has to evaluate truth in their own lives.

That’s where I am. Allie went on to have two more affairs starting about August 2017. One was with her boss Derek. He owns the company she works for and Allie claims that they only made out 10 times or so and didn’t have sex or oral. I am not so sure.  But what does it matter anyway? The other affair was from about January 2018 – March 2018. (our anniversary was March 4th and we celebrated 18 years right in the middle of her affair. Of course I didn’t know about it.) That second affair was with a married man named Mark who has four children. Mark is now officially divorced.

We are now about six months past the discovery of affair #3 (Mark) and a few weeks past Allie’s confession of Affair # 2 (Derek). Hard to keep up with ’em all isn’t it?

Allie is back at the Hoovering with me. She says stuff like this now:

She also calls me her “person” all the time. Constantly. She says that she is madly in love with me. And, as you read in her text above, she is deeply in love with me and very broken over the damage she’s done. Maybe I have an incorrect definition of “in love.”  I don’t know.

To the outside eye, counselors, friends, church leaders, etc, this would be a sign that she’s changed and wants to work on the marriage. Many will tell me that I should stay and fight and heal from the wounds. Many even subtly make me feel guilty for “giving up.”

Here’s a great place for a meme:

This picture says it all. A broken heart is broken like this plate. And no matter how sorry someone is, how apologetic they are, how deeply they love, or how they’ve changed they still are the ones who broke it through infidelity.

It’s easy to be the cheater in this. They get to cheat and then work hard to convince the spouse to stay. It’s almost like a conquest game for them. But to us on the other side, we pick up the fucking pieces of ourselves and try to function as a plate again. We try to mend the cracks, glue ourselves back together. All while being made to feel guilty that we might not be making the right choice by leaving.

Cheating, infidelity, betrayal, deception, Hooving, and gaslighting are all abuse. Period. They don’t leave physical bruises that I can take pictures of and post all over Facebook, but they damage the shit out of people on the inside.

If you’re being abused like this, get angry and stop taking it. Move out. Get free. Get healed. You are the one who was faithful and you are the one worth fighting for. Remember, they gave up on you (and your kids) and now they’re trying to convince you that you’re crazy?  How fucked up is that?

I choose me

Wrote a note to Allie that I never sent. She said that I was choosing women on Facebook over her.

If you’re just tuning in, Allie had three affairs. This entire blog is about my process through this after finding out on March 20, 2018. Wanna read it? Start here instead.

Here is my response to her that I wrote but never sent. I sent a much shorter response.

The only person I am choosing over you is me.

I am choosing to draw the line and commit to myself. The line is saying that where you went is not okay. What you did, even if it was a symptom, was so destructive that I need some space and time.

I am working on me, my healing, my desires, my dreams, my life, my values.

When I needed you most, during a painful journey with my mom, you abandoned me for Derek.  You piled on blame and confused me with your deception. You covered your tracks with lies and betrayed me while breaking our vows and the promise you made me six years ago.

I haven’t even been able to fully process my experience with my mom dying.  I wanted to write a small memoir to her but I have been more than distracted by your affairs.  I fear by the time I get to really pour myself into grieving her it will be too late.

Then, to make it even worse you added an affair with Mark.  You gave yourself fully to him. Fell in love with him and repeated and expanded the betrayal, lies and deception.

And you tell me that I am the one giving up?   That it isn’t personal?  That it isn’t against me?

I am destroyed by this.  So it really feels like it is against me.

I have forever changed. I have lost the ability to believe. Lost the adoration and admiration I had for you.  You were better than how you decided to behave. And I deserved way more than how you treated me.

“You” Statements

Blaming someone else makes you a victim. Victims are powerless people. Being powerless means that you have no control over a change. Therefore you’re at the mercy of the other person changing to get your need met. In order to get the other person to change, you will manipulate or try to control them. So, you introduce destructive behaviors into a situation in order to get your need met.

Cheaters blame the other person often. Non-scientifically, I would venture to guess that when someone is unfaithful to their spouse, they will 100% blame the other person in one way or another. I wrote about blame some time ago. Basically, the cheater will make a lot of “you” statements. Sounds a lot like these:

  • “You weren’t meeting my needs”
  • “You were not there for me”
  • “You didn’t care enough about me to take care of your physique”
  • “You didn’t surprise me”
  • “You weren’t pursuing me”
  • “You never paid me any attention”
  • “You made me feel lonely in our marriage”
  • “You don’t pick up your socks”

There are much better, non-blaming, non-controlling ways to say these things. There are ways to go about expressing feelings, needs and emotions without damaging the relationship

 

 

 

 

What’s your worth?

So, you’ve been cheated on. I get it. This entire blog is on my story of my wife Allie cheating on me three times! (that I know of) It chronicles the heartbreak, the pain, the confusion and the isolation I have felt. It questions everything that I ever believed to be true.

It rocked the very foundations of my life and made me reevaluate who I am and what I want out of life. Is it hard? Yes!  Is it painful? Without question. But I want to share something with you as I have journeyed for the past seven months since finding about Allie’s affairs.

I want to share that I am good. No really. I am.

I am moving out in a few weeks and for the first time since March of 2000, I will be living separately from my wife. We’ve been married for 18 years and in that time we’ve dreamed, we’ve striven, we’ve worked, we’ve built traditions, we’ve had children, we’ve laughed, we’ve cried, we’ve hoped and we’ve been let down.

While we can always look back at the negative aspects of our relationship, I am choosing not to (as much as possible). I am choosing to see the myriad of blessings that have come from the two of us being together. The biggest blessing of all are our three sons we have together. They are fantastic young men and I love being able to pour myself into their lives.

Allie has some pretty tough & deep issues to work through. In 18 years of marriage, she had three affairs. The first was 6 years ago. The second was with her boss (who she still works for) last year. The third was the knockout punch. An affair with Mark, the guy she and I both knew from Crossfit.

Sometimes we can look at these things and decide that we “wasted 18 years of our lives.”  In some ways that has some truth. Because had we not chosen this spouse, we could have chosen another spouse. In theory, if all went well, we wouldn’t be here now with this kind of pain and these massive hurdles. But that’s hindsight and we didn’t see the future. We can’t beat ourselves up for something we had no idea would happen.

But we don’t have yesterday do we? We can’t change the past as badly as we might want to. So, we have today. And I look at it this way. I am actually letting go and being saved from a lifetime of pain. Imagine spending even more of my life with someone who doesn’t want to be with me. Don’t get me wrong, her words say she wants to be with me and she loves me, but actions speak WAY LOUDER than words. Three affairs? That speaks volumes.

It would be much too complex to lay out our entire story. But suffice it to say that I was very sad about what I was having to deal with in my life. You see, i because my mom’s legal guardian because she had horrible dementia. Because of that, her memory was terrible. She got to the point that she no longer knew anyone else. Not me, not my brother, not her grandchildren.

So, this journey with her was very difficult for me to say the least. I was very close to my mom and often called her my “superhero.” When I would visit her, I would get thrown into a mild depression of sorts. Just kind of in a daze as I was completely helpless to do anything for her. The woman who had sacrificed for me and my brother, given everything as a single mom, and I couldn’t do anything. There’s literally nothing we can do with that disease.

But Allie has some strong narcissistic tendencies. And she couldn’t stand that my attention wasn’t being given to her 100% of the time. So, she looked for another’s attention. Read the quote below:

Even at your best, you will NEVER be right for the wrong person. But with the right person, even at your worst, they will remind you of your worth.

Look, that quote doesn’t exactly fit, but it does say this. You are worth everything. I am worth everything. It completely devalued me with what she did. While I was walking through the toughest emotional journey I had ever been through, she piled it on by having two affairs. Sharing her body and sexuality with another man. “Falling in love” with a complete stranger. It is sickening. But I am free. And I am worth it.

A tool or an obstacle?

I have mentioned that Allie has a lot of narcissistic tendencies. Is she a full-blown narcissist? I mean clinical? I don’t know. But I found a LOT of truth in this article.

This is from the book From Charm to Harm by Greg Zaffuto

To a Narcissist we are ALL either a TOOL or an OBSTACLE – nothing more or nothing less! Let’s really get to know what is behind the façade of a Narcissist!

A Narcissist’s world is all a product of his/her own machinations and self-created delusional imagination and ALL based-on appearances. The Narcissist ONLY wants ‘people objects’ in his/her world that will NOT contradict the illusions he/she creates – as well as ‘people objects’ that serve them and supply them with all of their MANY needs. A Narcissist wants to control your behavior and your thinking and if you contradict this self-created image in the slightest way the Narcissist will rage at you and maybe even annihilate you from disturbing the delicate balance of their disordered world.

Allie loves her image. In some ways I feel like she’s super remorseful now because she is wanting to have that redemption image at church. If she can just convince me to stay then we’ll have this beautiful redemption story that we can share with everyone.

You are there to support and serve them in their game and make them look good and support their omnipotence as well as ACCEPT all of the lies. This comes at a great cost to the target/victim that bought into and believed the big façade or the charm that lured them into this disordered character’s agenda/world.

I became so different than my normal self. After months of recovery time, I still find a different version of myself when I am around Allie. One who is more powerless. One who has less of a say in my own life. It is difficult to explain which is why this article is so helpful.

So, within this grand illusion that they create and live in, they won’t hesitate to say that black is white, or square is round, and you are expected to believe them. They will lie to you about facts they know that you know. They lie to you about what you have said and done, even if you said or did it only a few seconds ago and know the truth. They lie to you about what they have said and done in your very presence. If they are breathing they are lying to support their grand scheme and illusion of themselves! There is no internal mechanism that governs their actions, so it is ANYTHING goes with them no matter the cost to anyone, as long as it serves THEM. They abide by NO rules or laws and if it wasn’t for double standards they would have NO standards at all. Remember once you can NO longer serve them or you disagree with them you are no longer useful to them and you will be discarded or even annihilated – AGAIN we are either a tool to use or an obstacle to them.

A tool is to be used. An obstacle is to be gotten past. I have felt like both with Allie. I also feel that standing my ground has been the toughest thing I have ever done. She has been on the Hoovering technique for a few months now and it has confused me.

Everything MUST support their façade but, their needs can completely consume ANY person that has anything to do with them. Try as you may, you can never give them enough because they ALWAYS want more, and they will seek it ALL out with many other sources of supply.

What he says above hits SO CLOSE TO HOME! I can’t tell you the times I have said that I “can never make her happy.” She always wanted more. And it was always about her.

We would laugh together at what a horrible gift-giver she is. It is funny because she literally has not ever gotten me a really thoughtful gift. Her gifts really suck. There may be more to it because of her only caring about herself and her illusion.

This is not a relationship that is normal and more akin to a parasitic relationship where the malignant Narcissist is the parasite that is draining you of your life energy and anything and everything else you have. So, remember you cannot have any type of relationship with them because there really is no ‘them’ – it is a façade created for you to keep you in their orbit while they consume what they can from you and then they will move onto another source.

Greg nails it again by saying that you can’t really have a relationship with them, because it is only an illusion. THAT IS SO TRUE!!!

It almost sounds like a horror story that you would see at the movies – BUT in reality, if you have had any type of association with a Narcissist, it was a REAL horror story. Knowledge is power because it provides us with the clarity we need to completely break the bond we believe we had with them. The only way to recovery is through knowledge, clarity, support, time, and no/minimal contact. You deserve so much more than this. Remember YOU offered REAL love – and what did you get in return – ABUSE! They JUST DON’T CARE!

The no/minimum contact advice is so key too. Why? Because I become a different man when I am with or around her.

Disappointment and Affirmation

There’s not much more than disappointing than finding out that Allie, my wife of 18 years, had an affair. Allie’s first affair happened just after our 12 year anniversary. Then in March of this year I found out about another affair just after our 18th anniversary.  Since that day, it has been a true roller coaster ride of emotions, doubts, fears, questions and hurt.

After her 2nd affair with a guy named Mark, we decided to hire some top counselors. Why did I hire them? Why didn’t I just divorce her and save the money?

I hired them because I wanted to make sure. I wanted to live with no regrets whatsoever. Basically I needed to know that I did everything in my power to consider the marriage before divorce.

During counseling, we made some gains. Allie’s position has been that she wants to work on our marriage. Seems completely unreasonable doesn’t it? Yeah, it does to me too. So, she sees herself in the last 6-7 months as working really hard to become a different person, a better wife, etc. However, she was skipping exercises that the counselors would assign and she wasn’t doing the homework that they say would be required to get better.

I also knew something was missing. Call it intuition, call it suspicion. But trust your gut right?

When people cheat, they are very, very manipulative. They tell you what a horrible person you are to justify what a horrible person they’re being. It’s projection, manipulation and totally not authentic.

So, we had a great meeting with counselors the Friday before Labor Day. At that meeting, I wrote her a three or four page letter forgiving her of the affair with Mark. I let go of everything I could think of that I was holding onto.

So that weekend, I had a real moment (day or two) of beginning to trust her again. It’s been six months post affair at this point. On Labor Day I was going to my work out. I asked Allie about her boss just before leaving. I have had a suspicion about something happening between them. She denied it.  Then on the four minute drive to my gym, she called me and admitted that the two of them had in fact kissed. (see the whole story here) Of course it was much more than a kiss and that day, I sank…again.

I sank with disappointment. It stomped out any hope I had for salvaging our marriage. It wasn’t much hope, but I had some. Like a tiny ember that “might” start a fire if tended to. Crushed me. Again.

I am making the only decision I can make

After reading about the disappointment, I want to bring up the other part of the title of this post. Affirmation.

When you’re making the biggest decision of your life, you can hear all of the advice you want from friends and family. But largely, a decision to divorce doesn’t really affect them. Especially my closest friend of 30 years. So the advice they give has to be taken with a grain of salt. No, this choice is yours and yours alone. (unless of course, she’s already left you)

But with Allie asking, practically begging, me to stay with her, this choice had been weighing very heavily on me and my thought life. I was completely consumed by this decision as it would have profound impact on me and my three sons.

That day, however, the decision was made. I am fairly certain I had made the decision back in March of 2018, but today it was iron clad. The information about the 3rd affair was the straw that was piled onto the already broken camel’s back.  It affirmed my decision, strengthened my resolve and solidified the choice that I was so damned afraid to make.  Basically, when you question if you’re making the right choice, something can come along and say to you, “you’re damned right you are!!”

So if you’re out there reading this know this one thing. You are worth way more than a cheating spouse has treated you. It is going to be lonely and hard, but you have to value yourself more than valuing your insecurities.

Subtle and subversive blame

I was chatting with one of my FB friends. We will call her Ainsley. She is going through a similar thing with her husband. Her hubby cheated a while back and treated her like shit. Now, she wants out and her husband is being super nice and saying he’s changed.

She messaged me this morning and what she hit on was so profound that I had to write about it.

Direct Blame

Any of you who’ve been through having an unfaithful spouse knows the direct blame game that they play. They make a lot of “you” statements and I wrote about blame here and here.  In a nutshell, the person who was faithful will often come out blaming themselves for the marital difficulties and even the affairs. Often, the faithful spouse will think, “I could have met their needs better. I could have been a better husband or wife. I could have done better.” That is all complete bullshit. And I wrote about not blaming yourself here.

“You” Statements are a form of direct blame.

  • You weren’t meeting my needs
  • You were distant
  • You never paid me attention

There are hundreds more. But they all mean the same thing. “You’re responsible for my actions.”  And that shit don’t play.  It’s too bad that we will take on that responsibility on ourselves. I did with Allie’s first affair.

Here’s where Ainsley’s messages to me today were so profound. I had a light bulb go off in my head reading through what she was saying.

Indirect – Subtle Blame

Ainsley said this to me today.

This is the bargaining tool my husband keeps using too. He has “changed”….they chose to do things that cannot be taken back knowing exactly what the consequences are of that action. So as much as my husband is trying to guilt me by saying he has changed and she [Allie]  is trying to do the same. It is not our fault.

For the past several months, Allie has been seemingly remorseful and repentant. She keeps telling me how much she has changed and how her eyes are open to what she did.

Here’s the subtle blame though and the profound part of Ainsley’s message. Basically because the cheater has “changed” they throw a lot of guilt your way because you haven’t accepted that change. You can’t see the “work” they’ve put in to be a better person. Here are some direct quotes from Allie to me via text. See if you can spot the subtle blame in each of these messages:

  • Meanwhile I’m loving you and praying for you
  • I am faithful and honest
  • I’m sorry for the things you’ve said to me (personal favorite)
  • Don’t you understand how sad I am over you and me?
  • I would do anything to take it back
  • I’m asking for you to be a safe place
  • I’m trying to be a strong person
  • I gave you my body as much as you wanted
  • I want to strive for wholeness with you
  • I was trying so hard to love you
  • How can you be so cruel. You bring up those things in relationships I have renounced and asked forgiveness for?
  • I have done everything I can to show you how sad I am over this
  • I have poured myself into this marriage
  • Everything I say gets used against me
  • I chose to trust you with heart broken feelings I have
  • All I have done is work on fixing me

Keep in mind, I think that Allie believes the things she is saying. But the underlying tone to each of these is quite intentional. They are blaming me for not accepting her back. Heck, she’s apologized. So, what more does she need to do?

She’s loved me and been strong and prayed for me. She’s poured herself out to me and renounced the multiple external relationships with other men. How in the world is it that I can’t accept that and just get over it?

That’s the blame. That the subversive, ugly part of this. Let me break it down to very simple terms:

She cheats and blames me. Then she says she’s sorry and blames me for not being willing to move on like it never happened.

Thank you Ainsley. Your messages over the past couple days are completely eye opening.

Who is the other man?

So, I am married to the “other woman.” My wife Allie had three affairs; two with married men. The most recent married man, Mark, is no longer married. Carrie, Mark’s ex,  divorced him.

I ran upon this one day on FB and thought I would share it. It speaks volumes.

The Other Man

The betrayed husband, after discovering an affair, takes such a hit to his self-esteem, and he questions what it was about the other man that was so attractive to his wife. Was he sexier? Was he better, somehow? Why did the other man get the best parts, when he was left with the worst of her? The truth is, that is not how this works. He is not better, or more attractive. He does not get the best parts of the wife.

What’s attractive about the other man is that they are the sickest, the weakest, the most injured of the pack. The insecure wayward wife, wanting to feel strong and powerful, scans the herd for the easiest to take down. The self-assured, the strong, the healthy will not do as those men want nothing to do with a married woman.

The wayward wife, needy and looking for someone to boost her ego, must look for someone beneath her, someone who will look up to her, someone who will make her feel superior, if only temporarily. What better way for an insecure person to feel powerful, and admired, than to pick the least of the bunch? The fact is … they always trade down.

If he happens to be in better shape, or better looking – it’s just pure luck that the wrapping is worth more than the gift inside. What’s inside, is no match for you, the faithful husband. You’re brave, and strong and father of her children. The truth is, the other man could be anyone, anyone slow enough to be caught and willing to accept what little that wayward wife offers to them.

He accepts the very worst parts of the wayward wife; the liar, the cheater, the deceiver, the broken woman. Her behavior is lower than low, but that’s okay with him. He accepts trashy behavior, because he is trash and has no conscience. He has no self-esteem because he knows his value … his value as the weakest, the most injured of the herd.

He accepts his cheating ways and low-life behavior because he knows his place in the pack – and it’s at the end of the row. Bringing up the rear, it’s just a matter of time before someone singles him out, and uses him for his own selfish reasons in her quest to be admired.

So what happens when we catch her with him? Most often she leaves him where she found him, at the end of the row, at the back of the pack – even weaker and more injured than when she found him. He’s worse for the wear. In the end, it is his self-esteem that is eroded, not the betrayed spouses’. After all, he wasn’t able to keep her even considering she was in a “bad” marriage to a “unloving husband”.

Because isn’t that the way it always is? How pathetic that he’s given the answer to the test, gave it his all, and he still failed? Self-esteem erosion 101.

Retake your position at the front of the pack, betrayed husband. More often than not, it’s you she’s fighting for; it’s you she’s sorry for; it’s you she’s trying to be a better woman for. Regain your strength. Retake your rightful place.

Betrayal hurts, I know. Boy, do I know. But remember, when they find someone weak enough to have an affair with, they always affair down. The other man had to be broken deep inside in order to crawl in bed with a married woman and accept your leftovers instead of being strong enough to find an unattached woman on his own.

He had to be so broken to not care about you, the faithful husband, the children who would be wounded and all the lives destroyed by his actions and participation… and I bet he will not accept any responsibility for those actions. He will hold his hands up in false innocence when the curtain is pulled back to reveal the disgusting acts he committed against your family.

Betrayed husband, hold your head high. YOU were strong enough to remain faithful and love a woman who used your trust for her own selfish desires. She has devastated your life, but you can end the pain you are feeling. Use the strength inside you to pick up the pieces and begin living again.

And if you are the rare gem who has decided to give your wayward wife the precious gift of a second chance, I applaud you. YOU are invincible in your strength and courage. Take a deep breath, dry your tears for the millionth time and carry on, my dear. Because nothing can keep you down for long.