How to deceive a spouse

Deception.

Probably the single most damaging thing to a marriage relationship when there is infidelity is deception. You see deception requires an illusion. It requires that a partner trusts his spouse completely. He not only trusts her, but he believes her. He believes that there simply is NO WAY she would be the type of person to cheat. Wouldn’t happen.

The cheating spouse knows that he believes her 100%.  She knows that he trusts her which is the ONLY way that deception stands a chance. You see, if someone doesn’t trust another person, then they will do things to guard themselves. If you don’t trust your spouse for example, you may build up emotional walls, you might track their phone, you might pay careful attention to them to see their next move.

But when you believe and trust your spouse, you give them complete freedom and equality. You trust that with that freedom, that openness, and that equality they will take the responsibility to stay faithful.

synonyms:

swindle, defraud, cheat, trick, hoodwink, hoax, dupe, take in, mislead, delude, fool, outwit, lead on, inveigle, beguile, double-cross, gull; informal con, bamboozle, do, gyp, diddle, rip off, shaft, pull a fast one on, take for a ride, pull the wool over someone’s eyes, sucker, snooker, stiff

Without mutual respect, trust, honesty and openness, the relationship is not there. Not really. So much closeness is required to deceive a spouse. The scary part of this is that a husband may give all of his trust and belief to his wife and she’s plotting against him.

Once discovered, the deception can shatter his sense of reality. It is extremely damaging to say the least. The betrayed spouse can suffer from PISD (Post-Infidelity Stress Disorder) and they can have dangerous adrenaline and other hormone cocktails released in their bodies. The stress cannot be understated.

The reality is that a wife who purposely damages her husband’s sense of reality is immoral. The betrayed spouse’s sense of truth, significance, certainty, respect, trust, honor, dignity and love are all destroyed instantly. There is not really an adequate way to heal from it.

Affairs and deception are the best way to destroy another person. They change the relationship forever. Period. You can never go back and have any semblance of what was there before. That is gone. Even remorse doesn’t “fix” it because of the lies and deception.

It is ugly. Hideous. It is insidious. It partners with the enemy of morality and it destroys.

Someone who trusts another person with everything is vulnerable. And in that vulnerability, their spouse betrays them. That part is the most damaging.

 

Molly is back. And it is so comforting.

Molly is back in my life a bit. If you remember her, she was a HUGE support to me during the Summer (2018) as I reeled in pain over Kelli’s affairs. Heartache is simply the worst emotional trauma that a person can experience. We had an extended conversation today. Rather than try to screenshot the conversation, I have decided to type it out. Partly because I want to experience it again. And partly because I don’t want to create so many screenshots on my phone.

ME: Honestly I am still pretty angry at Kelli. Especially as we approach Christmas. It’s hart to get over it even though I know I can’t stay married with the infidelities.

MOLLY: I think that certain times of year will be hard for a while. Just expect it. I am sorry. You absolutely can create something new to make new memories. It’s got to be especially maddening when your anger doesn’t come with an apology. 

ME: She apologizes but it feels hollow. Shallow. Hard to explain but when someone throws away every ounce of trust, family, history, 18 years of marriage, morals, etc for four affairs, apology doesn’t really come close to fixing it.

MOLLY: That’s not hard to understand at all. What I meant was a feeling of remorse. Not words. Not that kind of apology. You can do this. You can do hard things. You can admit to being sad, admit to the struggle of creating holidays when things have changed. You can find gratitude in what you do have. Which is much.

You can start with very small things. Like ….. a tree. And some ornaments. Maybe the kids pick them out. And next year, your routine will be much easier. Small things. 

ME: Thank you Molly. Tearing up right now. I went to Allie’s house today to get a few things and she reminded me how she’s “repented” so it’s not her issue anymore. And she called me a jerk. Wish I had never met or married her.

MOLLY:  Bob, even that will pass. She just cannot accept that she made a devastating choice.

ME: She probably never will.

MOLLY: She will

ME: You believe that?

MOLLY: 100% I do. I think we have layers of ourselves to which we admit certain things. At her deepest layer, she is already there. In time, it will move through the rest. It always does. 

ME: And the wake of destruction she left behind her?

MOLLY: It has the potential to be used to shape you all into some human beings that the world needs very, very much. What you’ve gone through and you coming out the other side with your boys and with honesty…it’s a light for all who will ever cross your path. 

ME: I need this right now. Instantly today, I am back to a place of overwhelming sadness.

MOLLY: We don’t really grow into anything of substance without adversity. This was NOT FAIR. This shouldn’t be yours. But it WILL burn less after the holiday and you WILL be stronger than ever. And you will know more than you did before. You were deceived. It happens to all of us and it hurts the most. The MOST!  It didn’t happen because YOU weren’t worth of something else. But it happened. You have nowhere else to go but to take the pain and loss and transform it into a motivation to go higher.

And you’re exactly the MAN who will do that.

The winter solstice is Dec. 21st. It’s known as the dark night of the soul. You’re in good company. A lot of people are with you, myself included ever year.

But this year…it doesn’t define me. I just acknowledge that part of me. Of all of us. Our losses. Our wishes and hopes not realized. Life being hard.

The sky is dark. Cold.

But after that day comes…..new. Fresh. Potential. Especially when we don’t run from the dark before the light. We accept it as part of life and we know we don’t walk alone. By a long shot.

Soon, there will be more daylight. And with more light…..more life. More new things. A fresh start.

IF we are paying attention.

That aside, it is the same inside of you. Parts are feeling very dark. But they don’t stay that way. Nothing in nature does.

ME: I need it. I feel completely alone here in Idaho. My entire personality is different when I am in New Jersey with Dave. His family is my family.

I have dark thoughts toward her because she controls where I life. I moved her for her family and outside of the boys I have zero close people here. The one person I had was Allie. Of course, she doesn’t see that. I feel stripped bare. Trying to make my way as a 50-year old man with no history here. No meaningful connections.

MOLLY: Then you’ll have to travel there as much as you can for now. 

ME: If she weren’t here, I would move away immediately.

MOLLY: And be so grateful that you have a place Bob. Where that exists at all. That is enormous!!!!!! It’s there. It exists!  HUGE!

ME: Fucking far away.

MOLLY: Very soon, you can go there more often. I know it’s far. 

ME: I was there in August and November. Happy. Here if feel stuck and alone.

MOLLY: I am a 43-year old woman trying to make my way in a place that has no love for me. No support. No care for my well being. I know how that part feels. 

ME: It is lonely

MOLLY: It is lonely.

ME: It’s not that I don’t like being alone.  I do. But I feel I had certainty and significance (which I know was false)

MOLLY: Same.

I like being alone. But I also wish I had a community of people who helped our family in hard times. Support.

ME: Yes.

MOLLY: What made you feel certain and significant? 

ME: I believed in Allie. She was supposedly my best friend.

MOLLY: I would say most of that was true.

ME: I thought we knew one another and had each other’s back

MOLLY: I think a person can be good but have a defect that is destructive. 

ME: So destructive. Like “LIFE ALTERING DESTRUCTIVE”

MOLLY: For sure. No one is untouched by that.

MOLLY: You will trust again. But a real human with a real heart will need time. You need time to assimilate all of this!

Each injury and memory needs to be looked at, acknowledged, and placed somewhere in your being. Somewhere that is intentional. That just takes time. Please. Nurture the parts of you that need that very much. Love yourself enough to care to heal the right way. You can! You will. You Are. Finding a new normal is scary.

So we look to fabricated something as close to our old normal as quickly as we can to stop the pain. It’s just like building a new home. Respect the builder.

Respect his desire to choose quality materials and to have enough time to build a new, beautiful house.

ME: I have missed you. You have a way of saying things that no one else does.

MOLLY: Not a bunch of MDF and 2x4s, Real wood and 2x6s. Waith for the demolition crew. Wait for the land to be cleared. Wait for the architect to finish his drawing. It’s coming. You aren’t ready to have the keys and walk into the new place.

It’s okay!!! It’s good to at least TRY to embrace or … Acknowledge. Whatever stage you’re in.

Build it strong and fantastic for the man inside of you who deserves it. Who can’t actually make the choices. But is counting on YOU to know what he wants and needs. You CAN do it.

There isn’t a person alive who doesn’t have to do the same thing. Sometimes it’s worse, sometimes better.

It’s all okay. It is GOING TO BE OKAY. I can see it.

Let go and let God. Give this time to Him. He knows you. He knows you are good. He knows the way.

ME: You are simply amazing. There is so much power in your ability to encourage and reflect.

MOLLY: It’s just that I have tried all the ways “out” and even though I still beat on the wrong doors, I know which one is the right one. Because I have tried them all.

I am always cheering for you. I support. you. Can you find a group of men somewhere?

ME: Thank you. I will look around and see. I switched churches because Sunday is Allie’s day with the kids and our church is super family-friendly. We had just started going there when Allie began her affair with her boss.

And remember when I told you that Allie had sex with Mark in our house?

I am pretty sure, based on my own calculations of their affair calendar and piecing together the stories, that she had sex with him on Sunday morning, the same day that we dedicated our three-year old at church. She literally sent me and the boys to church, had sex with Mark in our house, then came to church and participated in a dedication ceremony in front of the congregation. That was also our 3-year old’s birthday. Same day.

Another reason I had to switch churches.

[part skipped because wasn’t relevant]

MOLLY: you’re a good man. And I am sorry. You will be whole again. That’s what happens to good men.

And also…..

When a feeling comes, you can be kind to it. Totally accept it. Treat it like a baby. And ask, what is the thought behind it? We just don’t do that. But it’s the most loving thing we can do. It helps. If it is a really strong feeling to kind of detach from it a little. Notice you are separate from it. Stand back a little almost like an observer. But respect and honor each one.

And see the THOUGHT behind it. Is it true? You’re healing. I promise. It won’t overtake you.

You’re just making room for something solid. Just acknowledging you’re hurting. He is right there. Calm. Proud.

I see this tree outside my window. I am staring at it. No leaves. It looks cold. Broken. It looks like it will never be beautiful again.

But it’s roots are deep. Very deep. And it will be beautiful again. And it knows it. Your roots are deep too.

An old letter to Allie

I was in my Google drive just to clean things out a bit. I found this letter that I wrote to Allie in August of last year.

Let me recap the timing of this. Unbeknownst to me, Allie was having an affair with her boss during the time I wrote this. So as you read it, you can see that I was confused as to why she was so hostile towards me.

I also bold-faced things that are important in the letter. You can see how I approach her and try to break through.

I have decided to write you a letter rather than speaking in person about this. Lately, our communication has not been effective and I think that by writing to you, you may have more time to process what I am saying rather than reacting immediately or becoming defensive.

Today was really tough for me. The day started with a bit of an argument over a church message. Then, I felt as if I was doing something wrong to you again. So I apologized and said that I really was trying to make it so that you’d have a good day. You replied, “that’s not gonna happen.” You walked off in frustration as I cleaned up the coffee spill and then did the corresponding laundry.

As you walked off and said that you’d “be taking your ‘new car’ to go do something” making a snide reference to the mini-van. I really felt that was ungrateful. We are blessed to have a vehicle and the money to repair it.  I spent a couple of days to make sure you had a rental, repairing your car, and then returning the Altima. It still feels that you weren’t grateful for that. Rather, you made a joke about the repaired vehicle to the kids to indicate your displeasure with the van. I understand that it isn’t a luxurious vehicle, but it is paid for and has been pretty reliable for the past 2 years.

Getting Old Jokes

Last night, you made another joke about me looking old in front of Ryan and Amanda because I hadn’t shaved earlier that day. Simultaneously you complemented Ryan’s gray stripe in his beard. I know I have said this before, but I really don’t appreciate the jokes about me looking or being old. They seem to only happen in social situations where I feel very uncomfortable when you say them.

You’ve used those jokes in front of numerous friends throughout the years. And since every joke has an element of truth, it seems that you think that I look old. I get it. The fact is that I am getting old.  At almost 50, I am a mere 20 years from the age where my dad passed away, 27 years from where my grandfather passed away, and 23 years away from when my mom’s dementia was out of control. So, age is a reality for me and I don’t really find it that funny when you ridicule me in front of our friends or others.

Lately, it seems that you’re really unhappy with me. When I do things, you often will tell me how I didn’t do it well enough or correctly. From putting down too many rocks at my latest flip house, to buying one son the wrong shoes for school, I seem to get it wrong most of the time. Our son says that his shoes work for him, but you say that they aren’t adequate for running and playing. In my mind, I was taking something off of your plate and getting him the shoes that he needed for school. Similarly, I got all of our other son’s books ordered as quickly as possible and got him a haircut. I really am trying to help with the errands and what needs to be done.

Your Job

This is a challenging issue. I am so grateful that you have the opportunity to work and it certainly takes some of the pressure off financially. Having a larger paycheck coming in is more comfortable to say the least and it may empower us to do a few more things that we’ve had to delay.

The problem is that it is not a two-day-per-week job. In fact, hardly a day goes by that you’re not working. From charting to paperwork to calling patients to calling doctors, you’re often working 5+ days per week.  (side note. She was having an affair on those two days, plus texting her boss flirty stuff, etc. which made her busier.) Then the days that you’re scheduled, you’re gone from early morning to late at night with a full day’s charting and prepping waiting for you the next day.

The question in my mind is how we will have home school success with you being pulled in so many different directions. We may be okay for the first couple of weeks, but unless I am able to take some of those responsibilities, I don’t know how we’re going to accomplish the amount of work that the boys need us to get done. I am happy to help, but haven’t felt as if I have the freedom to assist.  Plus, I feel that my assistance may turn into a frustration for you.

I know that I have made the suggestion that you not take as many patients during the day. I understand that you won’t get paid as much, but we were looking at a $500 per month school job prior to this opportunity. So, any more than that and we’re doing better than our earlier projections.

I love you and want the best for you and our family. I try to do what I can to ease your burdens and to help you have good days. More and more, it seems that you’re mad at me, frustrated with the kids and not enjoying your time. Perhaps that is the case or perhaps you’re simply stressed as you say. Either way, I still and will always love you.  When we have time to ourselves, it is magical (to me anyway). After a wind down period, we can laugh and be silly. I miss that part of us a lot.

As of writing this, Allie and I have filed for divorce. We will be officially divorced in January of 2019. It fucking hurts to read this too.  As you might be able to tell, I was reaching out to her, trying to remind her that I love her. But none of that really mattered. When someone has gone outside the marriage multiple times, they really don’t love you.

The sad truth is that she wasn’t happy. I was (other than the frustrations). I loved my wife. And after 18 years, I was just as giddy to be with her as the first day I met her. But marriage that is one sided, will ALWAYS fail.

 

 

The end of my divorce journey

It has been nearly a year since the discovery of Allie’s affair with Mark. And about five months since she confessed her affair with her boss Derek. As of February 3rd, 2019 we are officially divorced. Eighteen years, lots and lots of history. Living in four different countries, giving birth in three different countries and a life together.

With the divorce, I feel that I have reached the last chapter in this blog’s journey. Not much else to say on here except a few parting thoughts.

First, when my spouse cheated on our marriage and betrayed me by breaking every promise she’d ever made, she chose that by herself. She owns that. Let’s just pretend that our marriage was totally miserable. Well then I was in the same miserable marriage right? And I kept my commitments. I was faithful. I leave with my honor and my dignity.

And if I a gonna be with an immoral woman, then I might as well just be single. Being married is hard. You swallow a lot of shit for the sake of the commitment and for the marriage. I changed drastically to walk on the egg shells she had me on. Nothing seemed good enough and she always wanted more.

Now, I have come to grips with the story. There’s no changing it. No going back. No wondering if I made the right decision. I am 100% satisfied that I chose correctly by going through with divorce from Allie.

My feelings are expressed. My heart was laid to bare. It helped to write this. Hurt to write it. I have sobbed through some of these entries.

Now, I am done. I don’t have tears any longer and can hardly believe that she’s the same person I fell in love with and loved for nearly 20 years. But it is over now, I am looking forward. Moving on. Living my own dreams. Loving my sons. And growing myself into new and different places.

The healing that has taken place over the last year changed me. Quite possibly I will live my days as a single man. Content to do my things, hang out with my friends, sing karaoke, drink a cider every once in a while and date as it happens.

That being said, I think I will stop writing on this site and move to my new interests. This has been healing. This has been comfort. This has been a place to let it all out.

 

Justification by relationship

I realized by closing this blog with my “goodbye” post may have been premature. This blog is as much about helping others through the process of grieving the loss of a spouse as it is for me to heal, process and journal.

Something I have been thinking of the the past few days. I am just now sitting down to write it out. I write these posts from the heart and rarely – if ever – do I go back and edit or change the posts. I feel that it is best to honestly express yourself as you write so that the rawness can “come out.”

Allie’s New Relationship

You probably know that I moved out in October of last year and in November, Allie started a relationship with a guy named Erin.

That aside, she has been dating him for a couple of months now and I know very, very little about him. She doesn’t throw the relationship in my face and my kids don’t say much.

What I know from her is that he doesn’t live in Idaho. And they have mostly a phone relationship. I know that she spent five or six days with him over New Years.  And this coming Spring Break she is going with him somewhere. I have a guess that she’s heading out of the country with him, but that’s another story. (during the time she’s gone, I will be enjoying Spring Break with my sons in Vegas!)

But here’s why I wanted to write about this. When a woman cheats, she is getting validation for herself. Perhaps she has a low self-esteem, or is aging, or feels “lonely” etc. So she cheats on her husband, fucks the whole relationship up, causes extreme havoc and etc. We all know this from my story and probably from your story as well.

Often, a cheater is able to move on to a new relationship quite quickly which baffles men. I am part of several Facebook support groups and at least 2-3 times daily men will ask, “how was she able to move on so quickly after 15, 20, 25 years?”

My budding theory is that women who cheat HAVE to move on quickly. They have to prove to themselves (validation) that they did the right thing. And wow!  This great guy just happened to come along. They believe with their whole hearts that they are being blessed because they were with the wrong guy (you). They may have met their “soul mate” in this new guy because he makes her feel so special.

Read more about why people cheat: https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/infidelity-justifications-of-the-unfaithful

What is interesting is that these justifications don’t stop when your marriage ends. They have to build this new relationship. I mean it is an absolute requirement for them to be able to believe that what they did was “right.”

Time and time again, I read about women doing this. Time and time again, this new guy is not all he’s cracked up to be. Severely flawed, poor, criminals, dishonest, cheats. And it completely baffles the men who were in love with their women. They describe the woman they were married to as a stranger. Someone who isn’t the woman they married.

But as you start to understand that this is female/cheating nature, you start to realize that they are setting themselves up for failure. Failure which they will justify as the other guy’s fault. It may be a couple of years or a couple of months, but they will see the flaws and will NEVER take responsibility for their own actions.

Jennifer Lopez

Do you know that Alex Rodriguez and Jennifer Lopez just got engaged. This will be her FOURTH marriage. And her SIXTH engagement. All the sudden, J LO seems to be the common denominator in the relationship failures huh? What do you think she’s gonna do to ARod when he screws up. Just once? She will ditch him.

Does this help?

Maybe by writing this, it will help some of you. I know that there can be some jealousy that her life looks great while the men are left picking up the pieces. We are over here trying to help our kids through the divorce, earning a living and figuring out the new life that we’ve been handed while she’s playing “house” with the new man.

But she HAS to. Otherwise, she will face herself…..the only person really to blame in all of this.

The story that needs to be told

Allie is so manipulative. So toxic. So dirty. As you know she had multiple affairs while we were married.

One of her affairs was with her former boss. Derrick is what we call him here. Derrick owns a pretty successful home health company where he does physical therapy for home-bound patients. He contracts with two different home health providers as the exclusive PT for a certain county in the state we live in.

Allie started her affair with him when she started the job. She would schedule time in her patient schedule to spend an hour with him. And then come home and be with me and our kids. Yep. Sick right?

I noticed some things that were “off” when she would speak about him with me. It was like she was talking about an ex-boyfriend rather than a boss. And I did find a couple of inappropriate texts. But that aside, Allie was pretty stealth in keeping her affair secret.

I don’t know what happened exactly with the two of them, but Allie says she ended it on her own. (and she wanted me to be proud of her) Allie almost immediately got into her affair with Mark in January of 2018.

So, for the next 11 months, Allie kept working for Derrick, while having an affair with Mark and “trying” to stay married to me.

Summer of 2018

Allie starts talking about Derrick a lot in the late summer of 2018. She actually confessed their affair on Labor Day 2018.  She painted a picture of him sexually harassing her. She’s always the victim. The picture wasn’t true. He didn’t harass her. She willingly participated.

Anyway, Allie starts communicating directly with one of the companies that Derrick contracts with about working directly for them. This would effectively take about 60% of Derrick’s business from him. Still painting the idea to me (and to herself) that Derrick is incompetent. She justifies her actions saying that she deserves those patients because he harassed her into having an affair. Blame. Justification.

She gets the job

Allie convinces the home health company to hire her directly as an employee and takes a huge chunk of Derrick’s business from him.

Now, do I feel sorry for Derrick? Yes and no. I don’t feel sorry for him because he shouldn’t have been messing with another man’s wife. But in a way I do feel sorry for him he has a special needs child from his first marriage and works to support her and pay all the bills.

Derrick was suckered by my manipulative ex. But he also chose to do the cowardly thing and participate. Real men stand up to married women and refuse to play that game. It cost him. It benefited Allie.

Allie used Derrick to get experience, knowledge and ultimately his business. Derrick’s dumb ass allowed her pussy to convince him he was great. What a sucker.

Moral Boundaries

Her ability to continue to cross boundaries of morality and integrity are astonishing to me. But then are they?

Recently, Allie filed her taxes. Since we were married for all of last year we have to file “married filing separately” or “married filing jointly.” At any rate, she filed. Our stipulation and divorce decree states that we will alternate years with who claims the children. Each year we will claim one and then we’ll alternate our third child. This year, she was to claim two kids and I was gonna claim one.

I asked her a couple of times about whether she filed according to our decree. She didn’t answer. (this is when I knew she didn’t)  So I called the accountant that she used and confirmed that she claimed all three.  She had also told me that she didn’t remember (lie).

Here’s the point. Lying, cheating, stealing, deception, and betrayal are becoming so normal for her, that she literally doesn’t see anything wrong with any of it. She “deserves Derrick’s business because he’s an ass.”  She filed how the accountant told her to file because she “made more money than I did.”  (she made $25k LESS than I did)

She had sex with Mark and cheated on our marriage because “they were in a relationship” And she moved into a serious relationship with her new victim just a couple weeks after I moved out.

It’s a slippery slope. Once a person lets go of any semblance of moral boundaries, they will let them all go. They just don’t see anything wrong with the immoral stuff they do.

When a cheating wife moves on quickly

I have read thousands of men’s stories about their cheating ex-wives. And in the majority of the stories, the women move on VERY quickly into other relationships.  I addressed this question with my friend Molly.

I asked her “doesn’t anyone think it’s strange that she moved on to another serious relationship within 30 days of me moving out?”

Below are some chunks of the conversation between me and Molly about women moving on. I think it may help some men out there who struggle with this very same question.

MOLLY: It is weird but not super unusual. Very unhealthy. But very simple. She can’t sit with what she’s done. She can’t peel her onion. So she’s just out there adding more layers.   I think that the great majority of humans turn to their addiction when life gets hard.  Men are simply her ADDICTION. Her weakness. It’s not about you. It’s just the thing that makes her feel okay.

It’s perfect that this guy’s long distance. This guy can only ever know the pieces of her she chooses to share.

Also, she wants to hurt you and this is such a good way to do that.

ME: Yeah, she actually said that because he’s far away she can continue to heal.

MOLLY: Not really. Because he’s still there. On the phone, etc. But I guess it depends on how she uses him. She isn’t sitting still. She’s not facing herself and what she is capable of doing.  We all get lost. It’s a good thing to see ourselves and recognize that we are capable of hurting others. And dealing with that capability in the most compassionate way possible.

People have two choices when faced with themselves. Go through it or escape. Dark moments come. You can run and hide from the darkness. Or you can wake up and walk through it. Many people run and hide. Lie, cheat, steal, drugs, alcohol, porn. But YOU choose to go through it. And that takes courage. And you will be rewarded.

ME: She thrives on forgiveness. She simply loves to be forgiven.

MOLLY: “forgiveness” is her mantra because she is comforted in knowing her behavior has been excused and she is still worthy. Cognitive dissonance.

If you can’t correct your behavior, then your only choice is to GET forgiven. If you can’t force that forgiveness and you can’t correct your behavior, you seek revenge…….or you self-destruct. She is choosing to seek revenge but it will lead to self-destruction.

She tries to get forgiveness from you, but it’s sneaky. Because she is manipulative. She knows she won’t change but wants to be excused from her bad behaviors.

And it won’t change with any guy she’s with.

ME: I don’t believe she’ll change. She just loves falling “in love” and finding her “soul mate.”  She’s had three soul mates within the last year. LOL!

MOLLY:  It’s very lonely and painful with brief moments of bliss. The bliss is getting someone to “fall in love.” But it’s not that hard to get a middle aged dude to think he’s fallen in love with you. Easy target. What a sucker! And we women know EXACTLY what to do, how to act, what to say.

Read that last line again: “And we women know EXACTLY what to do, how to act, what to say. “

Molly is spelling it out for us guys!  They KNOW what to do to make us fall for them. They use our own fantasies, dreams, insecurities, faults, passions, and goals to mimic exactly how to act to get us to fall for them. The more you share, the more ammo they have.

If you fish, suddenly she loves to fish. Watch football? she’s studying plays and schemes. Do you love camping? Wow she does too. Are you afraid of women because your last one cheated? She is an angel and would NEVER do that.

Do you want a highly sexual partner? She will become that…….until she doesn’t have to.

You see, women move on quickly because they are well-versed in making men fall. They also need the validation that they are “okay” even though they are doing shitty things. Betraying people. Complaining about people they supposedly love, and back-stabbing. But if someone “loves” them, and forgives them, then their behavior is excused.

Who we seek out

In my continued healing process, I am reading a book called “Psychopath Free” It is an absolutely amazing book and I have underlined the vast majority of it as I am reading. The amount of similarities to Allie can’t be overstated. She exhibits 90% of the traits described by the author. I recommend it for any man who’s been cheated on. It helps explain the narcissist, sociopath and other toxic people. Cheaters almost always exhibit these traits.

“Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.”

Here are a few more things I picked up from my reading in other places. I thought I would share them with you men. It is from a book on alcoholics. But some/much of it pertains to attention seeking, cheating wives.

  • We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process.
  • We are frightened by angry people and any personal criticism.
  • We either become alcoholics, marry them or both, or find another compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick abandonment needs.
  • We live life from the viewpoint of victims and we are attracted by that weakness in our love and friendship relationships.
  • We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves; this enables us not to look too closely at our own faults, etc.
  • We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others.
  • We became addicted to excitement.
  • We confuse love and pity and tend to “love” people we can “pity” and “rescue.”
  • We have “stuffed” our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much (denial).
  • We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem.
  • We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings, which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us.
  • Alcoholism is a family disease, and we became para-alcoholics and took on the characteristics of that disease even though we did not pick up the drink.
    Para-alcoholics are reactors rather than actors.