If you just found out that your spouse had an affair. First thing I can tell you is to WAIT! Don’t do anything yet. Don’t file for divorce. Don’t get separated. Don’t move out. Don’t make her move. Just WAIT!
“But you don’t know what I am going through”
I beg to differ. I know exactly what you’re going through. Only 34 days ago, I found out my wife was having her 2nd affair. This time, it was much more involved than the first time. The first one was devastating. This one is way worse. In her first affair, we had two young children. They were 6 and 5 at the time.
In this affair, we have three children. They are 12, 11, and 3. Our third child was our “redemption baby.” We had him in celebration of getting through that super-rough time in our lives. He was a way to physically represent healing, trust, wholeness in our marriage. Wouldn’t you know it, just three years after he was born she was at it again.
So please don’t say I don’t know what you’re going through. I do. I get it. It is the closest to Hell on Earth that I have ever felt. But yet, I am waiting. On day one and two, I wanted a divorce. I have wanted a divorce every day since, however, I am waiting. I have had counselors and friends talk me off the ledge multiple times. Please let me be that voice for you now!
So IF YOU ARE ON THE LEDGE, COME DOWN! Wait. Don’t do anything hasty because the emotional state you’re in doesn’t allow you to think strait right now. Heck, the emotional state I am in a month later doesn’t allow me to think strait either, but I am way better than I was last month.
Here is what I have learned in the past month:
- Tomorrow will still come even though I don’t know what it looks like
- I am worth it.
- The affair was NOT my fault. I am not to blame. (more on this later)
- I am a GREAT father to my three boys.
- My boys need me to be strong
- My God is bigger than my pain
- My God is bigger than her sin
- My friends care a LOT about us
- I love my wife (That’s a tough one isn’t it)
- Affairs happen – even in “Good Marriages”
- I don’t need to know why it happened yet
- Affairs happen to Christians
- Men and Women cheat on their spouses
- It sucks
Think about these things. Think about what you have right now. Do you have kids? If so, stay strong for them right now. Let them be your motivation to keep going … for now. Find something to hold on to and let that be your temporary motivation to wake up tomorrow.
Do you love your spouse? I will discuss that at length in another article. But that can be part of your motivation.
Whatever you do, if you just found out about an affair, then please just wait. It will be the best possible decision you can make.
If your spouse says that she is moving out, then you may not be able to stop her. But for you, don’t get divorced yet. Don’t call the lawyers. Don’t do it.
Perhaps your spouse wants to work on things and you simply cannot imagine that right now. Great. Just be patient. Just Wait!!!!